“just hit refresh . . .”

I have been going through a few system updates in the last few months. Apparently, my internal processor has been working on old settings and therefore glitches have been occurring. Well, when I say old settings I think what I mean is the settings that were in place when my system first broke. When I first decided that I didn’t want to be accountable for my many mistakes because things had happened that I had little or no control over. Things that had hurt me so deeply that my only recourse was to mentally run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. I didn’t have the support around me that could explain any of this and then listen to my feeble whimpers and babbled explanations. All I had was a taught response of finding a room in my head to stuff all the feelings and fresh, bloodied memories and then lock the door. It didn’t take too long for the mansion of my mind to be a fortified property protected by subterfuge, containing multiple levels of locked and sealed rooms. Whenever something happened that I couldn’t deal with it got locked up.

One of the problems with all this was the subterfuge involved. I had a belief in a loving, caring God that only wanted the best for me. I had picked up some horrible teaching about how some people deserved this love more than others and that I was clearly one of the ‘doesn’t deserve this’ people. There had been pockets of teaching that had almost reached me and helped me climb out of my hole, but the trouble with this type of hole is they’re almost always made out of mud. Just as I get to the edge and think I’m about to break free, I slip and slide straight back down to where I started. A hundred thousand times. As this keeps happening I have to build a framework of lies around myself. I have to protect myself from yet another slip. I have to be physically if not spiritually counted amongst the other outsiders. I have to not care. I have to create an outside to go with the inside that they say I have made for myself.

It doesn’t matter what I think, what matters is what I’ve been told, and I have been told quite clearly that I have crossed the line and will now have to wait until the end of time to find out if God might, almost accidentally, accept me. Somehow, underneath all the pain and shame, the knowledge that God doesn’t care about the mistakes and the mess echoes around inside my head. I know that it is all going to be ‘alright in the end’ whatever happens. It has to be because that is all I’ve got. But I also know that God is bigger than my pain, shame and mind-numbing confusion. I know that His book tells me that I’m holding a golden ticket. I got an access-all-zones pass. Somehow through the fog of confusion and the crushing shame, I know that I can stand up straight in front of my God, but I only know the feeling and the feeling says no. So I go on another round of repeats.

Because I didn’t have the support around me to help me vocalise the pain and shame. I didn’t have the arms ready to give me the hugs. I didn’t have the reassurance that it was actually Ok to ignore the macho shit and just cry. What I had was a broken internal processor that was constantly glitching because it was trying to take on board new updates that didn’t fit its outdated operating system. So I need to let the built-up pain and shame out somehow. I need to connect with the feelings that I have kept covered up with bravado and a broken understanding of cool. I need to say it again and again. I need to express my feelings and here seems to be the best place for now. So, therefore, I need to write and write about it. I am on a mission to get it out into the light. I am on a mission to be the loving, caring, kind, considerate man that God saw when He created me. It’s gonna suck as I go there but I gotta face that. I’ve had so many occasions when I’ve connected with another broken person and seen them decide to fight another day and I want more.

The hard part is accepting that I am worth anything. Stepping into me. I don’t need to explain why people are wrong when they see anything good in me. I can claim to be an artist, I don’t need to list the reasons why my art is actually not good enough. I can enjoy the ‘free’ gifting that God has given me. While I am accepting the interesting way that my mind works, I can accept that I am artistic and passionate and that not thinking in straight lines is just one of the outcomes. Obviously, I am metaphorically standing in front of my bathroom mirror saying these things cos I sure ain’t there yet. I can believe that people might actually want me around and not just because I make them laugh or think outside the box. I can and am growing into this. I can fail a few times, dammit I can fail a thousand times cos my understanding of God no longer has space for a description of a strait-laced, controlling authoritarian. I’m starting to believe in the forgiving aspect of His nature . . .at last.

Leave a comment

Posted by on Dec 28, 2020 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , ,

Just as bat-shit crazy as the next one

If there’s one thing that has become clear to me in this life it is that I am just one of many. My addictive tendencies, my emotional hic-cups, my special and unique thinking and all the other little quirks that I love to think make me so individual are reflected in so many other people. I am not alone. I am unique, no one else has quite the same, special mix of bat-shit craziness that I have but when it comes to the spectrum of this particular brand of bat-shit crazy I am not alone.

Now, this is at one and the same time good and downright bad. Good because although I have been held back from believing that anyone could ever ‘get me’ by our enemy. The truth is, there’s plenty of people around me that can ‘get’ enough of me to be able to connect with me and relate to me and want to help me achieve all that I can for the kingdom. And after all these years of believing the enemies lies that not only am I alone but that I deserve to be alone, it’s amazingly fantastic to know that this is not true. I just need to trust this truth and learn to reach out a bit more.

And downright bad because that means there are a hell of a lot of people that are getting through each day on, at times, a minute by minute basis. A living hell of regularly fighting against almost overpowering urges to take everything and smash it against the nearest wall. A monstrosity of a life where even though it is clearly known that certain actions, thought processes and spoken words are not going to prove to be helpful and will lead to regret, they are going to happen. A hair curling, scream-inducing, battlefield where failure and rejection are words that seem to be written in fiery letters across the inside of the eyelids.

So, what do I do with this knowledge? How can I use it to help myself and those around me?

Well, for now, I’m slowly allowing years of poison to be cut out of me by the Holy Spirit. I chose the biggest stopper I could find to keep my feelings squashed down because I wasn’t going to allow myself to get lost in the overwhelming sea of my hurting emotions. I had tried, unsuccessfully, to leave this little game called life and if I was going to be forced to continue playing then I didn’t want to feel anymore.

But, that’s all changed now. Now I want to feel. Now I want to reach across the chasm and allow that empathetic heart that my maker gave me hold out a hand to my fellow travellers. My heart is being prepared like a field by the Spirit’s ministrations. He is digging it all through, chucking out the rocks and preparing the soil. I am exploring what it means to have an emotional connection with my creator and I am moving millimetre by millimetre nearer to seeking the best for others before myself. I am trying.

And I am slowly working these truths through my mind and reminding myself of them. I am teaching myself some new tricks. I am refusing to lay down and die anymore.

I am a child of the most High God and I will learn to be a good ambassador.


Posted by on Nov 21, 2020 in Uncategorized


Tags: , ,

Emotional instability

As I have been moving into a new season of my life one of the things that define this season is a new slowly growing ability to connect with my emotions. A number of sources have suggested that a way to grow with God is to be as open and transparent as possible on an emotional level and I am finding that I really want a part of this experience. When I first got into recovery I was told that the good thing about getting into recovery was that you get your feelings back and the bad thing about recovery was that you get your feelings back. I had no problem believing this but didn’t find that it was my experience.

It is fairly well documented that for a lot of addicts, using was a reliable way of numbing ourselves and therefore escaping from emotions that we felt we couldn’t cope with. As I look back I can definitely agree with this thinking. I was not aware at the time that this was what was happening but hindsight has a way of revealing hidden motives and my motives were clearly based on self-protection. I felt alone and was hurting, so the idea of seeking out the outsider, rebellious cool guys and copying their behaviours by drinking and using was very appealing to me.

But that was then and this is now and rather than look back with any form of regret, I wish to look back purely to see what those times have to bring to this particular table. I desire to move forward into this new season and if feelings are to be to the fore then some of those feelings are going to be the great-great-grandchildren of those original hard to face feelings. I found it impossible to face them then and although at times it feels that they are impossible to face now the difference is that I am trying.

Apparently, that is the order of the day and while at times it is incredibly frustrating to be open to allowing my emotions the freedom to run loose but to be so super aware of myself that I can’t fully let go, I am committed to this plan of action. When something happens or I just feel my emotions screaming out for attention, my reaction is to make space for whatever might occur but a lot of the time I am finding the pathway is blocked. Being, as such, a newcomer to this whole area doesn’t help but, again, I’m trying and I’ve got time.

I have to admit that it is a crazy state of affairs when I am finding it easier to describe in words what I am feeling than it is to allow that feeling full reign. Like so many others before me I have full proof that my God is with me and will hold my hand through this minefield but somehow I freeze and find myself wishing to run away. But, and heres the rub, I am trying and trying and trying. I may feel like running away but as yet I am not running, I am trying. I am opening myself up for God to be working under the guise of the Holy Spirit. Working over the ground of my heart, digging up the soil and preparing the way for the new season of growth.

As is so often the way with God, it is in being open to His leading that I am giving myself the best chance of growing into the person that He can best use to further His plan. As I grow closer to Him my desire to serve gets stronger. As He leads me on I know that although the individual experiences are not always easy, the end product is worth the journey. And although this whole thing is pretty brand new to me I’m sure that when I get to look back at it I will be happy that I stood my ground and sought a way through.

The bottom line is that I am not going back to the particular hell that my using life had led me to. I am not going back to that empty meaningless existence but I am moving in to a deeper experience of God’s good love. I know that I can do this and I know that God will help and guide me through. I don’t know for sure quite how hard it is going to be but I am going to keep on trying to find some emotional stability.

Leave a comment

Posted by on Oct 3, 2020 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , ,

The Not So ‘New Normal’

Apparently, we believers are late to the party and, as usual, have actually turned up demanding that everyone does things our way. The ‘party’ in this present case is the ‘new normal’ way of life that has been imposed on us all. I refuse to be dragged into the politics of whether it is a valid situation or not, that doesn’t really matter because this is the new normal. Although, as I am finding while studying Theology, we like to discuss more than we like to do, we have to accept at some point that this is happening. We, as the Church of God, have to engage at some point. We have some awesome gifts and abilities that we could be bringing to the party to help others cope with and deal with this new normal but as usual, we are late and insisting that we don’t have to do anything that we don’t want to do. Like some spoilt teenager throwing a hissy fit, we are refusing to be the awesome ambassadors of God that we were created to be.

Within our midst are people with fantastic creative abilities. We have more than our fair share of techy nerds who could have been putting their knowledge to good use finding ways that we could spend time together in some virtual way or other and yet we still have large numbers of churches across this green and pleasant land that are stumbling through their Sunday morning services in the most clunky of manners. There are a lot of great examples of how to use the internet and the technology we currently have to our advantage for the new church experience but six months after this all kicked off it is still not the new normal. Instead, it appears that we would rather just get upset that we can’t be expected to change and deal with it.

I’m not going to claim that I know all the answers but I’m savvy enough to know that if I start having a go I had best offer something. So, how about we start with a dialogue with any gamers that we can get to lift their heads from their screens for long enough to converse. These guys have been playing games with people on the other side of the planet for years now and so should be able to advise against that petty view that says “I can’t be expected to really fellowship with people that are not in the same building”. Again, we are late to the party. This is the new normal and so we do need to adapt. A part of this adaption could lead us to a place where the people that have been forced to isolate for years because of physical issues or mental health issues or many other reasons can have badly needed contact and fellowship. The problems that this new normal brings can actually lead to solutions to other problems that have been around for years.

Another of our, apparently, unsurpassable problems concerns the ruling that singing in enclosed public spaces is banned. I have lived in a few rehabs and recovery houses over the last few years and a part of these experiences is knowing that singing aloud is not always the best way to witness. I just can’t be explaining myself to everyone that I live with and so rather than have people think that I’m a crazed zealot, I have learnt to mouth the words while I sing under my breath. If we could all do this we could then sing silently while wearing face coverings and not break any rules. Maybe, maybe not but we are in the new normal and we need to do something because I for one am less likely to attend a church service where worship is just a thing of the past.

As I have already said, we are a group of people that have a wide variety of God-given gifts and it saddens me that we can’t pool our resources and lead the way into this new order. I’m as good a sniper as anyone else and can sit on the sidelines taking potshots at the players like so many other believers or I can put my rifle down and help out. I’ve allowed myself to be too ‘busy’ to get involved but now that I am a lot more comfortable in my dwelling-place in God’s Grace County I’ve got a stronger desire to connect with and fellowship with rather than isolate like this new normal is leading to.

Leave a comment

Posted by on Sep 27, 2020 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , ,

Listening to myself giving advice to others

One of the things that has stuck with me from the early days of my recovery is the idea of trying to listen to the things that I am saying to another recovering addict/alcoholic. When I keep in mind that the speck in my eye is more often than not made of the same type of wood as the, supposed, plank in the others eye I can see the sense in taking on board the advice that I am so wisely giving away. It doesn’t always have to be that I am trying to right their blatant wrongs, sometimes I am actually just trying to give advice that stems from my own experience. Apparently, there is some truth in the idea that speaking things aloud can help us to get a better grasp of their meaning and bring them to a place in our heads where we can begin to put them into action, who’d have thought it?

So, I was just involved in telling someone else how they could start to live their lives in a way that would both benefit them and those around them and as I was talking I was becoming aware that whilst I was putting some of those ideas into action myself, I could find room to be moving further forward. I was actually getting a flow of excitement from the idea that I can be my best teacher. Well, let’s face it, no one else out there is going to be quite as grateful for half as long as me so I might as well set up a comfortable chair and give myself the benefit of my years of experience, or something.

Fortunately for my fragile ego, most of what I was saying has been written in some form or other by myself on this platform. Although that is pretty much the truth of it in that I actually know what is the right way for me to go I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and picking myself up when I trip. And, of course, the biggest part of the problem and what I was just talking about is that I am programmed to think and behave in a certain way that is actually working against my better outcome.

The way forward is to change the way I think about things or renewing the mind, if you want to get all biblical about it. Spend the time needed to decide that the present outcome of certain actions is actually harmful or just plain unedifying. As the wisdom of partaking of the right actions starts to slip into the mind my best next move is to remind myself that I can do this whole thing and still hold on tightly to my special and unique status. While it is obviously true that I am indeed special and unique, that doesn’t mean that I can’t renew my mind as my weaker self wants to carry on believing. In fact, not only can I bring about change in my life I can also enjoy the scenery on the journey.

Which all leaves me stuck facing a future where I have a strong desire to actually face some of the deep-set painful experiences in my life in the only way that will actually bring about long-lasting change. I have tried to slip past the actual ‘experience the pain’ bit in a vast number of ways that have included getting wasted, ignoring it, shopping, losing myself in relationships and even talking it all through with a ‘skilled’ counsellor. It has, perhaps, taken me a long time to take this view but as I am following a sovereign God I can’t see that as a problem. I am here and it is now. So one teardrop at a time, and trust me that is how slow this process can be at times, I will allow my maker to bring up the sediments in my soul and work his way to bring about beautiful change in me.

Leave a comment

Posted by on Aug 10, 2020 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , ,

As if . . .

I’ve been away from this platform for a long time while I have been fermenting some thoughts and experiencing a new level of grace. Another factor has been my residence at Teen Challenges Willoughby House, in sunny Nottinghamshire. This has been a new experience for me in as much as I have been living on the site of a rehab but have not been a resident of the rehab and instead have been at the Teen Challenge Leadership Academy. It was while here that I undertook a step further forward in my experience and understanding of grace and have had a lot of my old understandings of various aspects of the Christian faith turned upside down. Trust me I could, and hopefully will, write pages about these changes but for now, I want to concentrate on one specific area.

I have been thinking a lot about what seems to me to be the single biggest problem with the church of believers in the western world. That problem is our inability to connect even halfway with the truth that God loves us. The more I think about it the more I am convinced that we are actually living lives that are disconnected from each other based on the fact that we don’t trust each other and we don’t trust each other because we are not connected with the truth that God loves us all equally. We are each of us living lives behind walls of defence mechanisms so thick and deep that we can’t let anyone closer than an arms-length because we are convinced that the result would be rejection and isolation.

When I read what the Bible has to say on the subject of Gods love for us I am amazed that my life isn’t packed full of joy and peace. According to my reading, Jesus did everything that he did on this earth to show Gods love for us and this included dying. I know that there’s nothing new about this, in fact, we’ve known it all our Christian walk but we certainly are not living in this truth. My Bible apparently goes on to say that I now have access to Gods presence…any time I want it. Actually, no, my Bible suggests very strongly that through belief in the actions of Jesus I now live in Gods presence. I don’t really need to ask for access because the curtain/wall has indeed been removed. When God wanted relationship with his created children he didn’t want that relationship to be based on the idea that he is there and we are here and that separation is a central part of it all. He wanted a loving relationship and my understanding of that means that any time I metaphorically reach out my arm I will find him at the other end.

So, if this is the truth then this should be reflected in our relationships with each other and yet we live separated lives, desperately covering our mistakes with false smiles and keeping our distance from each other. I have believed for a long time that the opposite of addiction is connection. If I am living a life that is full of connections with other believers that fulfil me then I will not want to go hide away and get wasted. Why would I want to lose what I have in the way of love and acceptance by using any form of mind-altering substance or behaviour? Why would I want to rely on old-style behaviours that protected me when I was a child but that now only serve to keep me disconnected from those around me? And of course, I am not the only one.

The help, support and encouragement that I, as a delicate, artistically natured, addict/alcoholic type of character feel that I need to flourish and grow in this crazy life is almost completely lacking because those around me haven’t been getting the support etc that they need. And all this because we have fallen foul of the oldest trick in the enemies book of keeping us separated from each other. We seem quicker to act as if our brothers and sisters were keener on pulling us down than on building each other up and we continue that belief system and we act as if we were part of this demonic deception.

My personal defence systems are all based on simple childlike fears. I am afraid that I will be dismissed by those around me that I have put my trust in. I then act on that fear by behaving slightly superior in certain ways that hopefully will gain me some desperately needed respect. My experience shows me that this doesn’t work but my fears are stronger than my capacity to think it all through. Until now. Now that I have been blessed with a new level of grace. Now that I have finally decided that I will not live like that anymore. And yes I am open enough to admit that a certain amount of this lies in the truth that the pain of staying the same has indeed grown stronger than the fear of change, although that is actually claiming that my decision and choices have as much influence as my Gods grace. It is by grace that I move. I do not have the strength involved as and of myself. I am fully reliant on his strength.

I have to keep using whatever tricks work that will keep me returning my thoughts back to God. Whatever helps me to keep my mind on truths. Anything that puts ‘me’ out of the way. I have to try to take my thoughts captive because that is the battleground. I am working harder than ever on renewing my mind and for me, that means putting as little worldly rubbish into it as possible. I have lived for long enough with this silly little balance of reaching into God and then wallowing in the filthy dirt of worldly entertainment. I need to be one that says enough of this.

I need to be one that says I will live as if those around me do not have the ability to reject me because my God loves me and that is enough for me.

I will be one that says I am going to act as if.

As if we all love each other and will support each other, bless each other, cheer on each other and live like brothers and sisters.

I will try to continue moving on in my Gods grace because it is good enough for me.

I will live as if my brothers and sisters already live like this and maybe we will learn to do so.

Because we need to show those that do not know Gods love just how fantastic it is and at the moment we aren’t.

Leave a comment

Posted by on Jul 13, 2020 in God, jesus, Love


Tags: , , , , , , ,

So where we at ?

I’ve spent my adult life in and out of English churches. I got prayed into the kingdom by the women of the Lydia movement but I was already broken. As time passed I began to see certain patterns and noticed what the taboo subjects were. It has taken until this point in my life to really get a grip on the basic facts that God loves each and every one of the broken people in this world (funny that, I’m not the only one), that our best resource in the world is each other (accountability etc) and that the present model of the physical representation of the word church is more broken than its occupants.

There is absolutely no way that anyone can read the New testament and decide that what’s happening in English churches is a good representation. If within any group of believers, there are taboo subjects then there will problems. Those that publically gather together are Ambassadors and if they can actually close their minds to the subjects that matter in this broken world then they will never reach the lost. If after finding the occasional lost sheep they continue to ignore the fact that their church is already full of mainly broken people that need discipling not just seats to sit in and small groups to be slowly put back together in not to hide in afraid that they might be called out for being a weak crazy fake any second.

God gave eve to adam to give him company and support etc. We need each other. From the start of the Book it sets up a family scenario. We need each other. We get caught up in our understanding of the word family and lose its width, depth, height and length. We need each other. The book also tells us that we actually are blimming useless. We need each other. For fucks sake WE NEED EACH OTHER.

Unfortunately, there are too many men that are so broken that when they are offered unconditional love they can’t just accept it without adding at least a million rules. The women are more likely to accept this love because they have the closer relationship with their mother and any children they might have. The mother child relationship is possibly the closest to unconditional love in this world. The fathers can have as close a relationship but not many are taught how to achieve this and jealousy kicks in real hard when they have to wait for their turn or do gooey things.

In my humble opinion we need to go back to family groups. But these groups need to live with each other or as near as damn possible. These groups are the midweek groups. They need diversity of age and open minds. Above all else, they need to concentrate on actually getting to know each other. Which is why they need to stay fairly small. Within these groups, the concept of freedom from the past can be realised and understanding of the truth of God’s unconditional love will grow but this often takes much talking, praying and love. It is hard to do much of this if contact is less than regular. Everyone needs to be heard and the emphasis needs to be love. Within this framework, people can get right-sized about what is happening in the Spiritual world because this is where reality occurs.

The world is best reached through relationship. We all want to be loved. A small group of people moving in their community with a realised knowledge that they are loved by the creator of everything will soon make relationships with the lost broken people. When people are confident that they are truly chosen as ambassadors in the world they do great things. What happens next is the start of dreams.


Posted by on Aug 24, 2019 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , ,

Redacting the Bible

As I search for a deeper walk with my God, I am finding myself tempted to enter the crazy land of ‘foolish disputes, genealogies, contentions, and strivings about the law’. I am, in fact, striving to stay away from such but others around me are falling headlong into these with a relish that entices me. As I steer myself past the conversations about the ‘Book of Enoch’ and the arguments concerning ‘the lost ten tribes of Israel’ I am surprised by what seem to be very sensible, upright and well-educated people that are professing to be in possession of truths that only the wisest of believers can understand. One of the things that all these teachings hold in common is the need to redact certain segments of the Bible in order to present their preferred revised version of the truth.

I am using the terms ‘redact’ and ‘redacting’ here to mean the wholesale blanking out of the parts of the Bible that either disagrees with their ‘new’ truth or has to go because their ‘new’ truth means that it is also shown to be not relevant to those ‘in the know’.

One of the latest ideas that I have come into contact with is that the ‘Lord’s Prayer’ is, in fact, old covenant and therefore actually dangerous for those of us living in the new covenant. The dangers seem to be the way that this prayer is holding us in old outdated viewpoints. These ‘new truths’ centre around the fact that everything before the death of our saviour is by definition ‘old covenant’. It is only after His death that the new covenant started and therefore anything written before this, it would appear, is not for us. It is by the death of Jesus that sin was defeated, our salvation becomes available and Gods kingdom shall be accessible and so we need to be wary of any writing that does not take this into account.

Whilst, on the one hand, I can see a certain truth in this teaching, unfortunately, I can also see that this means that I will now need to redact most if not all of the four gospels. If the ‘Lord’s Prayer’ is only written for those that were around before Jesus went to the cross then surely everything written in the gospels also comes under that same description. If the ‘Lord’s Prayer’ involves truths that hold us in dangerous outdated viewpoints then all of his teachings have to fall into that description. I really can not be bothered to pick out a few particular passages and attempt to show how these hold truths that are universal and relevant to us all, please just accept the truth that I know that all of Jesus’ teachings are and I can not be picking apart this prayer to show the dangerous elements or even the relevant truths

I have been told on a number of occasions that the Bible has at least 365 verses that tell us to not fear and therefore one for every day of the year. I have no problem believing that my God would want me to really take on board the truth that I should not be living in fear but I am yet to be persuaded that He would actually do something as trite as this. I am also convinced that He knew what He was doing when He guided certain of His children to write the books of the Bible. So if anyone tells me that certain parts of His Holy word are not relevant or even worse are actually dangerous for new covenant believers then you can be sure that the hackles on the back of my neck have not only risen but are standing as firm as the best ever ‘Mohican’ hairstyle. No, no and thrice no.

Leave a comment

Posted by on Jun 7, 2019 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , ,

My biggest problem

I was once told that it all comes down to fear.

As I think through most of my addictions and sins I can see the truth in that idea.

My fear that sets off my desperate need is the fear of loneliness.

My favourite temptations persuade me that I will not feel that loneliness for a sweet, short time.

My God promises me the deepest connection but I have been trained to want the feeling more than the truth.

Leave a comment

Posted by on Feb 25, 2019 in Uncategorized


Special and unique

Another of the oft used phrases that I first picked up in the 12 step rooms of recovery is this little classic of thinking of oneself as ‘special and unique’. Of course, in many ways, we are all special and unique and are reminded of this regularly either by believing friends or from the media. We were created by a loving, caring God to be unique individuals with a skill set that was perfectly crafted for our one-of-a-kind journey. It would be impossible to experience every aspect of this life in exactly the same way as any other person so we must be singularly exceptional people. It is when this distinction is claimed as either the reason behind extraordinary behaviour or the need for particular treatment that it is pointed out as a bad thing and accompanied with a lot of headshaking.

I find myself repeating this little maxim so often that I might request it to be engraved on my tombstone. I am special and unique in so many ways and there have been a ton of times where letting go of that has quite definitely not been to my advantage. One specific way centres around the idea of the proverbial toolbox that is often brought up in recovery circles. I spent far too much time feeling guilty that I was unable to use a number of the tools in my toolbox, I still find it hard to contact people by phone for instance. So I have no qualms about holding tight to my understanding and use of this expression.

At times it seems that I am taking far too long to fully grasp the fact that the creator of the universe not only chooses to know me by name but also loves me with a love that leaves me breathless when I am fully connected to that truth. At times it seems that I am taking far too long to become a servant-hearted life-saving follower of Christ. At times I blame myself for this as if I could do much about it without His special grace. Luckily for my sanity, there are far more times when I am aware that I am indeed special and unique. I was fearfully and wonderfully made to be perfect for my calling.

I am taking my time to connect all the dots of this thoroughly confusing little life of ours not because I am some clever bloke in the corner but because half the time I’m too busy dealing with whatever life brings my way to be getting too much of an overview. I am maturing over time, quite quickly recently, and finding myself able to accept a lot of things that used to leave me sitting on the floor rocking backwards and forwards. With this maturity comes a lot of self-acceptance and this leads me to be even more special and unique. I have my own foibles and quirks in all kinds of areas of life and I’m learning to celebrate those differences. I can only rely on those special friends of mine to give me a good slap whenever I am becoming so special and unique that I am putting a barrier between myself and others.

Leave a comment

Posted by on Feb 12, 2019 in 12 step, God, Recovery


Tags: , , , ,