Monthly Archives: Nov 2020

Just as bat-shit crazy as the next one

If there’s one thing that has become clear to me in this life it is that I am just one of many. My addictive tendencies, my emotional hic-cups, my special and unique thinking and all the other little quirks that I love to think make me so individual are reflected in so many other people. I am not alone. I am unique, no one else has quite the same, special mix of bat-shit craziness that I have but when it comes to the spectrum of this particular brand of bat-shit crazy I am not alone.

Now, this is at one and the same time good and downright bad. Good because although I have been held back from believing that anyone could ever ‘get me’ by our enemy. The truth is, there’s plenty of people around me that can ‘get’ enough of me to be able to connect with me and relate to me and want to help me achieve all that I can for the kingdom. And after all these years of believing the enemies lies that not only am I alone but that I deserve to be alone, it’s amazingly fantastic to know that this is not true. I just need to trust this truth and learn to reach out a bit more.

And downright bad because that means there are a hell of a lot of people that are getting through each day on, at times, a minute by minute basis. A living hell of regularly fighting against almost overpowering urges to take everything and smash it against the nearest wall. A monstrosity of a life where even though it is clearly known that certain actions, thought processes and spoken words are not going to prove to be helpful and will lead to regret, they are going to happen. A hair curling, scream-inducing, battlefield where failure and rejection are words that seem to be written in fiery letters across the inside of the eyelids.

So, what do I do with this knowledge? How can I use it to help myself and those around me?

Well, for now, I’m slowly allowing years of poison to be cut out of me by the Holy Spirit. I chose the biggest stopper I could find to keep my feelings squashed down because I wasn’t going to allow myself to get lost in the overwhelming sea of my hurting emotions. I had tried, unsuccessfully, to leave this little game called life and if I was going to be forced to continue playing then I didn’t want to feel anymore.

But, that’s all changed now. Now I want to feel. Now I want to reach across the chasm and allow that empathetic heart that my maker gave me hold out a hand to my fellow travellers. My heart is being prepared like a field by the Spirit’s ministrations. He is digging it all through, chucking out the rocks and preparing the soil. I am exploring what it means to have an emotional connection with my creator and I am moving millimetre by millimetre nearer to seeking the best for others before myself. I am trying.

And I am slowly working these truths through my mind and reminding myself of them. I am teaching myself some new tricks. I am refusing to lay down and die anymore.

I am a child of the most High God and I will learn to be a good ambassador.


Posted by on Nov 21, 2020 in Uncategorized


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