As I have been moving into a new season of my life one of the things that define this season is a new slowly growing ability to connect with my emotions. A number of sources have suggested that a way to grow with God is to be as open and transparent as possible on an emotional level and I am finding that I really want a part of this experience. When I first got into recovery I was told that the good thing about getting into recovery was that you get your feelings back and the bad thing about recovery was that you get your feelings back. I had no problem believing this but didn’t find that it was my experience.
It is fairly well documented that for a lot of addicts, using was a reliable way of numbing ourselves and therefore escaping from emotions that we felt we couldn’t cope with. As I look back I can definitely agree with this thinking. I was not aware at the time that this was what was happening but hindsight has a way of revealing hidden motives and my motives were clearly based on self-protection. I felt alone and was hurting, so the idea of seeking out the outsider, rebellious cool guys and copying their behaviours by drinking and using was very appealing to me.
But that was then and this is now and rather than look back with any form of regret, I wish to look back purely to see what those times have to bring to this particular table. I desire to move forward into this new season and if feelings are to be to the fore then some of those feelings are going to be the great-great-grandchildren of those original hard to face feelings. I found it impossible to face them then and although at times it feels that they are impossible to face now the difference is that I am trying.
Apparently, that is the order of the day and while at times it is incredibly frustrating to be open to allowing my emotions the freedom to run loose but to be so super aware of myself that I can’t fully let go, I am committed to this plan of action. When something happens or I just feel my emotions screaming out for attention, my reaction is to make space for whatever might occur but a lot of the time I am finding the pathway is blocked. Being, as such, a newcomer to this whole area doesn’t help but, again, I’m trying and I’ve got time.
I have to admit that it is a crazy state of affairs when I am finding it easier to describe in words what I am feeling than it is to allow that feeling full reign. Like so many others before me I have full proof that my God is with me and will hold my hand through this minefield but somehow I freeze and find myself wishing to run away. But, and heres the rub, I am trying and trying and trying. I may feel like running away but as yet I am not running, I am trying. I am opening myself up for God to be working under the guise of the Holy Spirit. Working over the ground of my heart, digging up the soil and preparing the way for the new season of growth.
As is so often the way with God, it is in being open to His leading that I am giving myself the best chance of growing into the person that He can best use to further His plan. As I grow closer to Him my desire to serve gets stronger. As He leads me on I know that although the individual experiences are not always easy, the end product is worth the journey. And although this whole thing is pretty brand new to me I’m sure that when I get to look back at it I will be happy that I stood my ground and sought a way through.
The bottom line is that I am not going back to the particular hell that my using life had led me to. I am not going back to that empty meaningless existence but I am moving in to a deeper experience of God’s good love. I know that I can do this and I know that God will help and guide me through. I don’t know for sure quite how hard it is going to be but I am going to keep on trying to find some emotional stability.