I do things in my own inimitable fashion.It is the only way that I know and the only way that I can manage.As time passes and I work on myself I find that I can add new ways to deal with my life and remove old unsatisfactory practises but it is a slow process and I have to be incredibly patient.But,and here’s the rub,I need to constantly remind myself that there is no condemnation or I will twist so much guilt into the mix that I will become immobile.
Guilt was a constant travelling companion of mine when I first entered the ‘rooms’ of the 12 step fellowships.For those that don’t know there is the clear realisation within the fellowships that you can’t tell an addict/alcoholic what to do because they will often do the opposite just to prove that they can.This is side-stepped by changing every piece of guidance and direction given into a ‘suggestion’.The meetings are full of ‘suggestions’ of different ways to get the most from the new lifestyle in recovery.I soon found myself with a list of ‘suggestions’ to try to follow,half of which I quickly realised wouldn’t work for me.So being who I am I accepted a head full of guilt as my self-styled punishment for my failure in this area.
This was added to the guilt I carried as a typical White Anglo Saxon Protestant.The WASP stands second only to the average Catholic when it comes to man-made guilt.My experiences through the Anglican church of my upbringing had ladled on the guilt as much as I could manage.My misunderstanding of the gospel I heard preached left me feeling ‘less than’ the average punter and this was aggravated by my search for happiness through others approval.
So as I sat in meeting after meeting feeling the guilt and not the freedom,I found that my growth was a lot slower than I desired.I was connecting with God more than I had in any part of my life previously but I wanted more,I needed more.
I kinda knew that I was who I was,warts and all,but I hadn’t grasped the truth that I was exactly what God had created me to be.The ways that I did things weren’t wrong,they were just my ways.Once I started to fully grasp this simple truth I found that if I just did it my way then I would reap results and grow into His love and peace.
Some of the old ‘suggestions’ work well for me and some don’t.Hey no worries !! Some of the ideas,teachings and guidelines I hear within the church are things I can use in my life and some of them will leave me struggling to breathe.Again c’est la !!
My ‘higher power’ is a God of love,without Him there is no love because He is love.I believe that He created the universe and as a part of that creation I now believe that he created me to be who I am and work the way I do.He made me perfect in his eyes and so I can only do all I can do,how I do it and celebrate in it.