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Monthly Archives: Apr 2015

Taking love out of the box

One of the clever truisms that I’ve heard again and again through my life is the line ‘don’t put God in a box’. Meaning open up your mind and stop restricting what God can and cannot do according to your self-made rules. God is so much bigger than we often give Him allowance for and sometimes we need to stop and reassess our view of Him and His abilities. He cannot be defined by anyone and He will always surprise and delight us with the awesome wonders He takes pleasure in casually scattering about us.

But now I am finding that instead of putting God in a box, I have spent most of my life putting love in a box. I have been restricting my understanding of love and instead of freely receiving love from those people around me that care for me I have insisted to myself that brotherly love can only come from deep, meaningful connections. Part of my spiritual sickness tells me that for anyone to really love me they must know me and my faults. They need to have spent time finding out what makes me tick and how I do things. And only then could they ever really love me because then they would be able to make the conscious decision to accept me ‘warts and all’.

As I am opening myself up to this new thinking I can see that yet again my spiritual sickness directs me to operate a type of one-way valve in this area. I can love people around me without having a bucket full of knowledge about them. I don’t need to know how people work to be able to love them, I just need the opportunity. A lot of the time I don’t actually get much choice it just happens, which I guess is one of the results of being in an active relationship with God, the author of love Himself.

The more I think this through the more that I can see that this thinking is just another thing that has elevated having a romantic relationship to the dizzy heights that it can hold in my thinking. It only makes sense that if I dissuade myself from accepting love from those around me then my need of a romantic relationship becomes even more important. And with that extra pressure comes even more chance of failure for any relationship that has happened or might happen.

And so I need to start taking love out of the box. I need to reassess my thinking about love and how much I am getting from those around me. Because I know from experience that I am able to do so much more when I am aware that I am being supported by loving, caring people around me and most of the people in my life at the moment don’t actually know me that well because they haven’t known me for all that long. So I can either live life to the full by accepting their love freely or I can restrict myself and my abilities by demanding that they fit my self-made rules about love.

Not much of a choice really.

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Posted by on Apr 21, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Drip fed !

When I attended my first 12 step meeting I found that I felt at home for the first time in my life. I was sat with a bunch of guys that had all been there, seen that, done that, got the T-shirt and out of a desperate need to not go back had joined up to a ‘spiritual’ programme even though most of them were originally dead scared of anything that took God from the bookshelf and put Him into real life. But that wasn’t why I felt at home. I felt at home because they were all talking about the insane ways that I thought and felt and they were talking about those things happening to themselves. At last I was not the only person that lived with this crazy mind and emotional behaviour.

One of my immediate assumptions was that these guys must have a living relationship with God like I do. It just seemed the only way that it could be. They were talking about finding freedom from addictive behaviours and learning to enjoy life on life’s terms and I could only imagine that being a possibility when walking hand in hand with Jesus. It soon became apparent that there were only a few that had taken the ‘higher power’ concept much further than being able to use the ‘God’ word without breaking into a sweat and praying for His help in staying clean and sober. Generally they had a far better grasp of the ‘spiritual’ principles of the programme than of the God that had originated them.

And so it didn’t take me too long to realise that whilst I felt at home in the meetings and soon found myself able to ‘share’ in a way that was not only acceptable but actually encouraged, I was still quite on the far edge outside of the meetings. They didn’t ‘get’ God and therefore I didn’t ‘get’ them. I had come to a ‘hospital’ for the sick minded addict and found myself on a drip feed that would help me stay away from the terrors of the most life threatening addictions I lived with but was not going to cure my problem. As I pushed myself to ‘work the steps’ I was finding a slow growth in understanding who I was and why I did the things I did but without a cure to the underlying problem this would not and could not change me long term as I later found.

The problem was very simple and yet so hard to find an answer to. I wanted to feel that I was loved. When I was lucid and coherent of mind, I was very aware that God loved me and would always do so with an unconditional love that I could never find from any other source. But somehow this wasn’t enough. It was all very well knowing it but I wanted more, I wanted to feel loved on a regular and reliable basis. I hadn’t got that as a kid and hadn’t been taught that the source of love was God and even though I had accepted Jesus into my life at an early age I was already looking for love in the world. I was searching for love from people rather than from God even when underneath it all I knew that this would not work.

A big part of the problem has to be centred on my desire to feel loved rather then just relying on the fact that I am loved and I feel that this is rooted in my childhood. I didn’t grow up feeling assured of my parents love and wasn’t taught about God at home so that when I did get to Church and began to learn the truth I was already running in the wrong direction and unfortunately wasn’t guided with love back to the true source.

I’m kinda getting that message now although it’s taken me on a long tumultuous journey.

But I wouldn’t change that because I wouldn’t be me if I did.

 
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Posted by on Apr 1, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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