Like a lot of people I can,at times,be quite obsessional in my thinking and last Monday was one of those days where the thinking hit on a certain subject matter and would not let go.Like an incensed Bull Terrier my mind grabbed hold of a thought and held on tight.
Unfortunately for me the thought was ‘it’s all too much for me so show me the exit’.As my frustration and anger at my present situation grew,my ability to see the truth clearly shrank.For some reason the idea of visiting Beachy Head and then running over the edge seemed like the best solution to my pain.
The more I tried to see through this lie the more illogical and unbending my thinking became.
The ‘selfishness’ of this idea was not even on my radar.I wasn’t capable of caring about or even considering anyone else.All I could think about was ‘my’ pain and how I could escape it.
My emotional pain felt at an all time high and when I figured in my physical sufferings I ended up with a massive negative that at the time surpassed any thoughts of the wonderful blessings that were mine for the seeing.
The thoughts went round and round,slowly growing in strength and conviction.The only answer was to go grab a bottle of vodka and head for home in the secure knowledge that as soon as I was drunk I would be unable to go out and head for Beachy Head.
For some twisted reason I knew that I would stay at home when drunk and at least think through the whole idea,I would not get into my car because I was drunk and therefore a danger to others.A tiny piece of thinking that saved me a lot of bother.
So I ran off from a friend without a word and grabbed a bottle of vodka and headed home.I knew I would need a full bottle this time because it was only just gone 2 O’clock in the afternoon and I knew I would be up til quite late,usually when trying to escape my head I would just go through a half bottle.
Once I had started the journey to intoxication my mind relaxed and let me put up a few alternatives to my intended desire whilst holding onto the executive decision making process.It was Ok for me to think through it all because I was safe and secure in the knowledge that I was going to end it all anyway.
After venting my frustration through a few phone calls and talking at my 4 walls I started to feel a bit better.
And with the blessing of my closest friend calling me and then looking beyond their own pain and confusion and taking the time out to listen and care,I was persuaded to climb back down from my damn stupid thinking and accept the truth.
And that truth is that God loves me so much that He let His own son die for my mistakes full stop.
That is the truth that I try to base my life on,not the lies that keep slipping into my diseased head.
Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I have to rely on the creator of the universe to help me get it right.
And the wonderful reality is that He loves me.