Monthly Archives: Aug 2012

“Go take a flying jump”

Like a lot of people I can,at times,be quite obsessional in my thinking and last Monday was one of those days where the thinking hit on a certain subject matter and would not let go.Like an incensed Bull Terrier my mind grabbed hold of a thought and held on tight.

Unfortunately for me the thought was ‘it’s all too much for me so show me the exit’.As my frustration and anger at my present situation grew,my ability to see the truth clearly shrank.For some reason the idea of visiting Beachy Head and then running over the edge seemed like the best solution to my pain.

The more I tried to see through this lie the more illogical and unbending my thinking became.

The ‘selfishness’ of this idea was not even on my radar.I wasn’t capable of caring about or even considering anyone else.All I could think about was ‘my’ pain and how I could escape it.

My emotional pain felt at an all time high and when I figured in my physical sufferings I ended up with a massive negative that at the time surpassed any thoughts of the wonderful blessings that were mine for the seeing.

The thoughts went round and round,slowly growing in strength and conviction.The only answer was to go grab a bottle of vodka and head for home in the secure knowledge that as soon as I was drunk I would be unable to go out and head for Beachy Head.

For some twisted reason I knew that I would stay at home when drunk and at least think through the whole idea,I would not get into my car because I was drunk and therefore a danger to others.A tiny piece of thinking that saved me a lot of bother.

So I ran off from a friend without a word and grabbed a bottle of vodka and headed home.I knew I would need a full bottle this time because it was only just gone 2 O’clock in the afternoon and I knew I would be up til quite late,usually when trying to escape my head I would just go through a half bottle.

Once I had started the journey to intoxication my mind relaxed and let me put up a few alternatives to my intended desire whilst holding onto the executive decision making process.It was Ok for me to think through it all because I was safe and secure in the knowledge that I was going to end it all anyway.

After venting my frustration through a few phone calls and talking at my 4 walls I started to feel a bit better.

And with the blessing of my closest friend calling me and then looking beyond their own pain and confusion and taking the time out to listen and care,I was persuaded to climb back down from my damn stupid thinking and accept the truth.

And that truth is that God loves me so much that He let His own son die for my mistakes full stop.

That is the truth that I try to base my life on,not the lies that keep slipping into my diseased head.

Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I have to rely on the creator of the universe to help me get it right.

And the wonderful reality is that He loves me.

Leave a comment

Posted by on Aug 16, 2012 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , ,

My own little vision thing.

One of my big problems with church life in the eighties was the varying understandings of simple phrases like ” God spoke to me “.I would often hear this or similar phrases thrown before a pictorial description of how God had assured His support in a certain undertaking or other.

Hands up honesty,I had a strong tendency to disregard any offerings that began so.My own limited spiritual experience did not include any audible or visual added extras.I had listened patiently to friends describe in florid detail how fingers and lightening and physical manifestations had been the background to their conversions whilst inside I was begging God to give me a floor show beyond compare.

Then years later I find myself describing a visual picture to a trusted church friend and underneath my verbal description a second voice is repeating the chantra ” God spoke to me “.

After entering the rooms of 12 step recovery I had found myself battered with good/bad/and slightly offensive self-help ideas.Like a sponge I soaked up as much as I could but it started to feel like I had reached a plateau.I was no longer moving forward towards my goal.Again I was failing.

But one night as I was lying on my bed I started to think about a simple funny image I had seen on the TV.I was watching ‘You’ve Been Framed’ a show based around viewers footage of everyday blunders and funny moments.The image that had stuck in my mind was of a little american girl fully involved in an Easter egg hunt.

Every time she bent down to pick up an egg she inadvertently let any eggs she had recently obtained slip out of the simple basket she had hooked into her elbow.She was completely unaware that just by looking at the ground she was tipping her basket dangerously towards the horizontal.

Whilst I was thinking that she,like me,had wasted her energies,I had the distinct impression that something much much bigger was occurring.I felt that I was being guided in my thoughts by a higher hand.It was almost as if a voice was directing my thoughts and leading me through a simple A to B understanding.

My thinking moved onto a slightly different view of what the little girl had been doing.

It seemed that I was asked to assess the situation as it reoccurred in this slightly different version.

The little girl had no eggs in her basket but she was a winner.

How ?

In my vision I was asked to take the basket and lay a large piece of paper on the ground.I was then asked to turn the basket upside down and shake it.As I did so I saw lots of tiny pieces of chocolate fall onto the paper.So many that I could have made a giant egg.

The basket was wicker and as each egg was pushed into the basket a tiny piece was caught on the bits of wicker sticking out.These small pieces eventually became enough for a giant egg.

As I continued to put myself in a place where I could openly receive good profitable teaching I would continue to hold onto more and more.Each and every time I read or heard something true and pure it would add a piece of chocolate to my basket.After a little time I will have a lot of chocolate.

So I have my own little vision thing . . . well to be honest I’ve had a few because God graciously brought me through the tendency to disregard with a loving arm and then started to bless me with my own little touches.

I guess He can’t help himself but get involved in a personal way with each and every one of His children.

Leave a comment

Posted by on Aug 2, 2012 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , ,