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Monthly Archives: Mar 2017

Just a Dream

So, I keep having these dreams. Different scenarios, different people around me, different people catching me out. The one recurring factor being that I have just picked up after a period of cleantime. The overpowering thought in my head : it was bound to happen sooner or later cos I know for sure that I will never ever be able to stay away from drink and drugs, they’re always gonna be there to catch me out and drag me down to an early grave. It doesn’t matter what I do, who helps or how much I want it, I am always gonna pick up. It’s ingrained as part of my story. It’s written in stone that I am gonna die messed up and alone. The relief of picking up and getting that needed high is short lived because the fear and dread of my shattered future takes it’s icy grip on my heart again. There aint gonna be any more sunshine in my life cos winter is here to stay.

And then I wake up, not soaked with sweat or shaking in fear, not concerned that I had that dream again and do I need to check out my recovery for any flaws or complacencies. Oh no I wake up and get on with my day. I allow the memory of the dream to slip away. Obviously not entirely or I wouldn’t be sat here in front of a qwerty keyboard padding away with two fingers. But overall I don’t hassle over it. And why is that . . .well purely because the dream is the complete opposite of the way that I am living my life now. I honestly believe that I do not need to pick up again. I feel comfort and assurance in my recovery and the distance I now have from using. It bitches at me, especially when I am in physical pain like I have been since Xmas, but I know that picking up will not help my situation. It might offer a short-term relief from the problem but the problem will still be there and if I pick up once it will only make it easier to pick up again.

I am spending regular times so deep in gratitude that I want more, more, more. I am ten billion times more confident in myself, of myself and with myself. Instead of waiting for someone/anyone to suddenly grab my arm and tell the world around me that I am a fake, fraud or charlatan, I now expect that if anyone grabbed my arm it would be to ask for my help with something. I am blessed with some outstanding friends that not only want the best for me but also love me for who I am. I have a direct line to connect with God on a level I can deal with.

I don’t walk through my life in fear of the world and what it might demand of me. I don’t care too much if my hair is a mess or some other aspect of my appearance is not up to scratch. I am learning to allow the river of life flow through me at the pace that it wants and don’t panic that I am not getting enough done with my measly little life. I am enjoying being alive for the first time in my life and I’m taking it easy. I will touch the people the people I touch. I will have the right words for the right times and pass on the message that is mine to those that God brings into my path. And it is getting better and better. Life beyond my dreams !!!

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Posted by on Mar 20, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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