Tag Archives: love

For His yoke is easy

Jesus tells us that his yoke is easy and his burden is light and yet we seem very keen to pass on a heavy yoke to those around us. We all have troubles accepting the free gift of his love and some of us fall into legalism (living under man-made rules) as a way of coping with our desire to earn our way into his favour. I spent most of my life failing to live under the host of man-made rules I was given by well-meaning believers around me. As I repeatedly failed to be a ‘good Christian’ by following these rules I picked up masses of guilt and slowly found myself sinking under it. Although the churches I attended over the years told me a lot about discipleship I failed to find anyone willing and able to disciple me. It appeared that they were lost in their own versions of guilt and fear.

I was told to read my Bible regularly, ideally daily, but I wasn’t told how to differentiate between the different styles of writing to be found within it. I didn’t have someone to explain that it wasn’t meant to be just read on its own in the present age without some direction. So I slogged my way through it and got lost. Was the song of songs meant to be so utterly confusing and how did it connect with how Paul suggested that I live my daily walk? When I was going through suffering why didn’t the book of Job help? I had so many questions about it all but no one to ask because the guilt I was feeling made me feel stupid for not somehow naturally understanding it all.

I had similar issues with prayer. Oh my days, what was going on here! The people around me were using special language whenever they prayed in public almost like the special voice we all use when on the phone to anyone official. They bowed their heads and clasped their hands as if afraid that God would only accept prayer that was squeezed out of penitent hearts and presented in a predetermined manner. I could only copy these examples and yet again try to deal with the guilt I felt whenever I forgot to end my prayers in the prescribed terminology. And that’s ignoring the weight I lived under for not asking His blessing over every bite of food I consumed.

Just 2 of the areas of my Christian walk that I knew I was getting wrong but didn’t a/ realise that God wasn’t the one making the rules and b/ know how to balance all this with a personality that flipped in and out of passion and peacefulness, weakness and strength, joy and sadness etc. And so most of my life has been walked under a cloud of guilt and shame.

But I believe that God has been slowly guiding me into an easier way with a lighter burden. It has been a growing realisation based on the simple truth that if he loves me as much as it is suggested that he does then it can’t come with strings attached. His wonderful love will only sit right with me if I can’t do anything to either improve it or lose it. Which is kinda my understanding of unconditional. With that love, I can not help but want to serve. Not because I have to but because I want to. As I grow into this relationship with my creator I will rely on my feelings that overall assure me that I am on the right track. My peace of mind is good enough for me, having lived with so little of it for so long.

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Posted by on Aug 25, 2021 in Uncategorized


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A Simple faith for complicated people

Having just finished my first year at Bible college I have found myself with more emotional, spiritual and mental freedom than I can remember having in my entire adult life. I am aware that a shed-load of this freedom is from having decided that I can’t be living with the massive range of rules that I had taken on over the course of my life. I had begun to see that most, if not all, of these laws, were man-made. I have grown to realise that every time you lay down a rule/law/ordinance etc etc what you actually manage to do is create a line and the lawmakers live on this side of the line and the lawbreakers live on the other side. And once again we have created separation.

I have read the book a few times and all through its pages it appears to be full of rules, laws and the like. Moses was known as the Law-giver. The friends of Job seek to find where he has broken the rules and therefore earnt the disasters that have befallen on him. Jesus spends a certain amount of effort making sure that he followed the rulings previously laid down. In one famous passage, he goes on to list the ways that his followers should behave which would then show others around them that they were indeed his followers.

And yet, when you look a bit closer you can see that any rules that were given were either a part of the plan to get people to see that rules couldn’t get us nearer to God or were specific to a time and a space. As you give it more thought it becomes clear that you can not possibly attach rules to the unmeasurable elements of life like love. If laws are fastened onto love it will become weighted down and cease to be love. Love has to be free.

I now see that I was caught under these man-made obligations all my life. I couldn’t see the truth that was in front of me because my vision was restricted by the long list of rules. It was through misunderstanding these rules that I had managed to negate myself from being a part of the human race and instead had become apart from the human race. Although I could speak fluently about the equalising level ground at the foot of the cross I was convinced that it didn’t include me. I and those of my ilk were not allowed to come near to the foot of the cross.

And yet . . . I can now see the wondrous truth that the opposite is true. I am not accountable for any of my actions. I worship the one true God that puts all my failings as far as the east is from the west away from him. As soon as I acknowledge my short-coming he forgets it. His overreaching desire is for me to know and experience love and that means letting go of man-made rules. It’s real hard to experience true joy when you are tied down by rules. It’s real hard to find true joy in the present-day Church because it is tied down by man-made rules.

I have been struggling for a few years to see the need for rulemaking/keeping middle of the road believers. I want so much to see their place in this great cosmic battle as being worthwhile. But I can’t. I can’t agree with their system where the newcomers are having the enthusiasm and joy beaten out of them by loveless rule-makers. I can’t accept this present system where if your face fits you can expect to be accepted but if it doesn’t then don’t expect any help or support except it comes with provisoes and the like.

I just come back again and again to the people pushed to the outside. They’re my people and they’re real. They’re generally more accepting of others, they have to be because they’ve been excluded themselves. Once they see the truth they become the most loving of all, those that have been forgiven much love much and the outsiders acknowledge the massive depth of their forgiveness. They know that they can never earn it. The outsiders learn to not judge because they know that they will be judged by how they judge. They just open their arms to other outsiders.

The rulemaking often comes from a place of being unable to accept the free gift of forgiveness. It stems from trying in some fashion or other to earn this gift. I spent years refusing to accept it as I wasn’t worth it, so I’ll just follow along quietly behind everyone else and hope that I am not caught out and challenged. I thought that by making my own list of rules I could point the finger at other people and redirect attention away from my sorry-assed unworthy self. I now see that this appears to be a fairly good description of how so many Christians live their lives. Scared of being caught out when the truth is that acceptance is ours to own.

As I reach further into that acceptance I need less approval from those around me. As I step away from seeking others approval I realise that they can’t point out my faults because my faults are as far as the east is from the west. My faults do not define me. Gods love is the only thing that can define me. I am a child of the most high.

So many words to try to explain such a simple idea. So much confusion to try to break free from, but when the mist clears the view is outstanding. I do not want to live by rules anymore except the rules of loving God and loving everyone else and just maybe I’ll be loved by those around me when they have got spare time from themselves to do so. The important thing is that I am loved by God, with that I have everything needed.

Oh abundant love

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Posted by on Aug 18, 2021 in Uncategorized


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“just hit refresh . . .”

I have been going through a few system updates in the last few months. Apparently, my internal processor has been working on old settings and therefore glitches have been occurring. Well, when I say old settings I think what I mean is the settings that were in place when my system first broke. When I first decided that I didn’t want to be accountable for my many mistakes because things had happened that I had little or no control over. Things that had hurt me so deeply that my only recourse was to mentally run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. I didn’t have the support around me that could explain any of this and then listen to my feeble whimpers and babbled explanations. All I had was a taught response of finding a room in my head to stuff all the feelings and fresh, bloodied memories and then lock the door. It didn’t take too long for the mansion of my mind to be a fortified property protected by subterfuge, containing multiple levels of locked and sealed rooms. Whenever something happened that I couldn’t deal with it got locked up.

One of the problems with all this was the subterfuge involved. I had a belief in a loving, caring God that only wanted the best for me. I had picked up some horrible teaching about how some people deserved this love more than others and that I was clearly one of the ‘doesn’t deserve this’ people. There had been pockets of teaching that had almost reached me and helped me climb out of my hole, but the trouble with this type of hole is they’re almost always made out of mud. Just as I get to the edge and think I’m about to break free, I slip and slide straight back down to where I started. A hundred thousand times. As this keeps happening I have to build a framework of lies around myself. I have to protect myself from yet another slip. I have to be physically if not spiritually counted amongst the other outsiders. I have to not care. I have to create an outside to go with the inside that they say I have made for myself.

It doesn’t matter what I think, what matters is what I’ve been told, and I have been told quite clearly that I have crossed the line and will now have to wait until the end of time to find out if God might, almost accidentally, accept me. Somehow, underneath all the pain and shame, the knowledge that God doesn’t care about the mistakes and the mess echoes around inside my head. I know that it is all going to be ‘alright in the end’ whatever happens. It has to be because that is all I’ve got. But I also know that God is bigger than my pain, shame and mind-numbing confusion. I know that His book tells me that I’m holding a golden ticket. I got an access-all-zones pass. Somehow through the fog of confusion and the crushing shame, I know that I can stand up straight in front of my God, but I only know the feeling and the feeling says no. So I go on another round of repeats.

Because I didn’t have the support around me to help me vocalise the pain and shame. I didn’t have the arms ready to give me the hugs. I didn’t have the reassurance that it was actually Ok to ignore the macho shit and just cry. What I had was a broken internal processor that was constantly glitching because it was trying to take on board new updates that didn’t fit its outdated operating system. So I need to let the built-up pain and shame out somehow. I need to connect with the feelings that I have kept covered up with bravado and a broken understanding of cool. I need to say it again and again. I need to express my feelings and here seems to be the best place for now. So, therefore, I need to write and write about it. I am on a mission to get it out into the light. I am on a mission to be the loving, caring, kind, considerate man that God saw when He created me. It’s gonna suck as I go there but I gotta face that. I’ve had so many occasions when I’ve connected with another broken person and seen them decide to fight another day and I want more.

The hard part is accepting that I am worth anything. Stepping into me. I don’t need to explain why people are wrong when they see anything good in me. I can claim to be an artist, I don’t need to list the reasons why my art is actually not good enough. I can enjoy the ‘free’ gifting that God has given me. While I am accepting the interesting way that my mind works, I can accept that I am artistic and passionate and that not thinking in straight lines is just one of the outcomes. Obviously, I am metaphorically standing in front of my bathroom mirror saying these things cos I sure ain’t there yet. I can believe that people might actually want me around and not just because I make them laugh or think outside the box. I can and am growing into this. I can fail a few times, dammit I can fail a thousand times cos my understanding of God no longer has space for a description of a strait-laced, controlling authoritarian. I’m starting to believe in the forgiving aspect of His nature . . .at last.

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Posted by on Dec 28, 2020 in Uncategorized


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Just as bat-shit crazy as the next one

If there’s one thing that has become clear to me in this life it is that I am just one of many. My addictive tendencies, my emotional hic-cups, my special and unique thinking and all the other little quirks that I love to think make me so individual are reflected in so many other people. I am not alone. I am unique, no one else has quite the same, special mix of bat-shit craziness that I have but when it comes to the spectrum of this particular brand of bat-shit crazy I am not alone.

Now, this is at one and the same time good and downright bad. Good because although I have been held back from believing that anyone could ever ‘get me’ by our enemy. The truth is, there’s plenty of people around me that can ‘get’ enough of me to be able to connect with me and relate to me and want to help me achieve all that I can for the kingdom. And after all these years of believing the enemies lies that not only am I alone but that I deserve to be alone, it’s amazingly fantastic to know that this is not true. I just need to trust this truth and learn to reach out a bit more.

And downright bad because that means there are a hell of a lot of people that are getting through each day on, at times, a minute by minute basis. A living hell of regularly fighting against almost overpowering urges to take everything and smash it against the nearest wall. A monstrosity of a life where even though it is clearly known that certain actions, thought processes and spoken words are not going to prove to be helpful and will lead to regret, they are going to happen. A hair curling, scream-inducing, battlefield where failure and rejection are words that seem to be written in fiery letters across the inside of the eyelids.

So, what do I do with this knowledge? How can I use it to help myself and those around me?

Well, for now, I’m slowly allowing years of poison to be cut out of me by the Holy Spirit. I chose the biggest stopper I could find to keep my feelings squashed down because I wasn’t going to allow myself to get lost in the overwhelming sea of my hurting emotions. I had tried, unsuccessfully, to leave this little game called life and if I was going to be forced to continue playing then I didn’t want to feel anymore.

But, that’s all changed now. Now I want to feel. Now I want to reach across the chasm and allow that empathetic heart that my maker gave me hold out a hand to my fellow travellers. My heart is being prepared like a field by the Spirit’s ministrations. He is digging it all through, chucking out the rocks and preparing the soil. I am exploring what it means to have an emotional connection with my creator and I am moving millimetre by millimetre nearer to seeking the best for others before myself. I am trying.

And I am slowly working these truths through my mind and reminding myself of them. I am teaching myself some new tricks. I am refusing to lay down and die anymore.

I am a child of the most High God and I will learn to be a good ambassador.


Posted by on Nov 21, 2020 in Uncategorized


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Emotional instability

As I have been moving into a new season of my life one of the things that define this season is a new slowly growing ability to connect with my emotions. A number of sources have suggested that a way to grow with God is to be as open and transparent as possible on an emotional level and I am finding that I really want a part of this experience. When I first got into recovery I was told that the good thing about getting into recovery was that you get your feelings back and the bad thing about recovery was that you get your feelings back. I had no problem believing this but didn’t find that it was my experience.

It is fairly well documented that for a lot of addicts, using was a reliable way of numbing ourselves and therefore escaping from emotions that we felt we couldn’t cope with. As I look back I can definitely agree with this thinking. I was not aware at the time that this was what was happening but hindsight has a way of revealing hidden motives and my motives were clearly based on self-protection. I felt alone and was hurting, so the idea of seeking out the outsider, rebellious cool guys and copying their behaviours by drinking and using was very appealing to me.

But that was then and this is now and rather than look back with any form of regret, I wish to look back purely to see what those times have to bring to this particular table. I desire to move forward into this new season and if feelings are to be to the fore then some of those feelings are going to be the great-great-grandchildren of those original hard to face feelings. I found it impossible to face them then and although at times it feels that they are impossible to face now the difference is that I am trying.

Apparently, that is the order of the day and while at times it is incredibly frustrating to be open to allowing my emotions the freedom to run loose but to be so super aware of myself that I can’t fully let go, I am committed to this plan of action. When something happens or I just feel my emotions screaming out for attention, my reaction is to make space for whatever might occur but a lot of the time I am finding the pathway is blocked. Being, as such, a newcomer to this whole area doesn’t help but, again, I’m trying and I’ve got time.

I have to admit that it is a crazy state of affairs when I am finding it easier to describe in words what I am feeling than it is to allow that feeling full reign. Like so many others before me I have full proof that my God is with me and will hold my hand through this minefield but somehow I freeze and find myself wishing to run away. But, and heres the rub, I am trying and trying and trying. I may feel like running away but as yet I am not running, I am trying. I am opening myself up for God to be working under the guise of the Holy Spirit. Working over the ground of my heart, digging up the soil and preparing the way for the new season of growth.

As is so often the way with God, it is in being open to His leading that I am giving myself the best chance of growing into the person that He can best use to further His plan. As I grow closer to Him my desire to serve gets stronger. As He leads me on I know that although the individual experiences are not always easy, the end product is worth the journey. And although this whole thing is pretty brand new to me I’m sure that when I get to look back at it I will be happy that I stood my ground and sought a way through.

The bottom line is that I am not going back to the particular hell that my using life had led me to. I am not going back to that empty meaningless existence but I am moving in to a deeper experience of God’s good love. I know that I can do this and I know that God will help and guide me through. I don’t know for sure quite how hard it is going to be but I am going to keep on trying to find some emotional stability.

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Posted by on Oct 3, 2020 in Uncategorized


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The Not So ‘New Normal’

Apparently, we believers are late to the party and, as usual, have actually turned up demanding that everyone does things our way. The ‘party’ in this present case is the ‘new normal’ way of life that has been imposed on us all. I refuse to be dragged into the politics of whether it is a valid situation or not, that doesn’t really matter because this is the new normal. Although, as I am finding while studying Theology, we like to discuss more than we like to do, we have to accept at some point that this is happening. We, as the Church of God, have to engage at some point. We have some awesome gifts and abilities that we could be bringing to the party to help others cope with and deal with this new normal but as usual, we are late and insisting that we don’t have to do anything that we don’t want to do. Like some spoilt teenager throwing a hissy fit, we are refusing to be the awesome ambassadors of God that we were created to be.

Within our midst are people with fantastic creative abilities. We have more than our fair share of techy nerds who could have been putting their knowledge to good use finding ways that we could spend time together in some virtual way or other and yet we still have large numbers of churches across this green and pleasant land that are stumbling through their Sunday morning services in the most clunky of manners. There are a lot of great examples of how to use the internet and the technology we currently have to our advantage for the new church experience but six months after this all kicked off it is still not the new normal. Instead, it appears that we would rather just get upset that we can’t be expected to change and deal with it.

I’m not going to claim that I know all the answers but I’m savvy enough to know that if I start having a go I had best offer something. So, how about we start with a dialogue with any gamers that we can get to lift their heads from their screens for long enough to converse. These guys have been playing games with people on the other side of the planet for years now and so should be able to advise against that petty view that says “I can’t be expected to really fellowship with people that are not in the same building”. Again, we are late to the party. This is the new normal and so we do need to adapt. A part of this adaption could lead us to a place where the people that have been forced to isolate for years because of physical issues or mental health issues or many other reasons can have badly needed contact and fellowship. The problems that this new normal brings can actually lead to solutions to other problems that have been around for years.

Another of our, apparently, unsurpassable problems concerns the ruling that singing in enclosed public spaces is banned. I have lived in a few rehabs and recovery houses over the last few years and a part of these experiences is knowing that singing aloud is not always the best way to witness. I just can’t be explaining myself to everyone that I live with and so rather than have people think that I’m a crazed zealot, I have learnt to mouth the words while I sing under my breath. If we could all do this we could then sing silently while wearing face coverings and not break any rules. Maybe, maybe not but we are in the new normal and we need to do something because I for one am less likely to attend a church service where worship is just a thing of the past.

As I have already said, we are a group of people that have a wide variety of God-given gifts and it saddens me that we can’t pool our resources and lead the way into this new order. I’m as good a sniper as anyone else and can sit on the sidelines taking potshots at the players like so many other believers or I can put my rifle down and help out. I’ve allowed myself to be too ‘busy’ to get involved but now that I am a lot more comfortable in my dwelling-place in God’s Grace County I’ve got a stronger desire to connect with and fellowship with rather than isolate like this new normal is leading to.

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Posted by on Sep 27, 2020 in Uncategorized


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Listening to myself giving advice to others

One of the things that has stuck with me from the early days of my recovery is the idea of trying to listen to the things that I am saying to another recovering addict/alcoholic. When I keep in mind that the speck in my eye is more often than not made of the same type of wood as the, supposed, plank in the others eye I can see the sense in taking on board the advice that I am so wisely giving away. It doesn’t always have to be that I am trying to right their blatant wrongs, sometimes I am actually just trying to give advice that stems from my own experience. Apparently, there is some truth in the idea that speaking things aloud can help us to get a better grasp of their meaning and bring them to a place in our heads where we can begin to put them into action, who’d have thought it?

So, I was just involved in telling someone else how they could start to live their lives in a way that would both benefit them and those around them and as I was talking I was becoming aware that whilst I was putting some of those ideas into action myself, I could find room to be moving further forward. I was actually getting a flow of excitement from the idea that I can be my best teacher. Well, let’s face it, no one else out there is going to be quite as grateful for half as long as me so I might as well set up a comfortable chair and give myself the benefit of my years of experience, or something.

Fortunately for my fragile ego, most of what I was saying has been written in some form or other by myself on this platform. Although that is pretty much the truth of it in that I actually know what is the right way for me to go I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and picking myself up when I trip. And, of course, the biggest part of the problem and what I was just talking about is that I am programmed to think and behave in a certain way that is actually working against my better outcome.

The way forward is to change the way I think about things or renewing the mind, if you want to get all biblical about it. Spend the time needed to decide that the present outcome of certain actions is actually harmful or just plain unedifying. As the wisdom of partaking of the right actions starts to slip into the mind my best next move is to remind myself that I can do this whole thing and still hold on tightly to my special and unique status. While it is obviously true that I am indeed special and unique, that doesn’t mean that I can’t renew my mind as my weaker self wants to carry on believing. In fact, not only can I bring about change in my life I can also enjoy the scenery on the journey.

Which all leaves me stuck facing a future where I have a strong desire to actually face some of the deep-set painful experiences in my life in the only way that will actually bring about long-lasting change. I have tried to slip past the actual ‘experience the pain’ bit in a vast number of ways that have included getting wasted, ignoring it, shopping, losing myself in relationships and even talking it all through with a ‘skilled’ counsellor. It has, perhaps, taken me a long time to take this view but as I am following a sovereign God I can’t see that as a problem. I am here and it is now. So one teardrop at a time, and trust me that is how slow this process can be at times, I will allow my maker to bring up the sediments in my soul and work his way to bring about beautiful change in me.

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Posted by on Aug 10, 2020 in Uncategorized


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As if . . .

I’ve been away from this platform for a long time while I have been fermenting some thoughts and experiencing a new level of grace. Another factor has been my residence at Teen Challenges Willoughby House, in sunny Nottinghamshire. This has been a new experience for me in as much as I have been living on the site of a rehab but have not been a resident of the rehab and instead have been at the Teen Challenge Leadership Academy. It was while here that I undertook a step further forward in my experience and understanding of grace and have had a lot of my old understandings of various aspects of the Christian faith turned upside down. Trust me I could, and hopefully will, write pages about these changes but for now, I want to concentrate on one specific area.

I have been thinking a lot about what seems to me to be the single biggest problem with the church of believers in the western world. That problem is our inability to connect even halfway with the truth that God loves us. The more I think about it the more I am convinced that we are actually living lives that are disconnected from each other based on the fact that we don’t trust each other and we don’t trust each other because we are not connected with the truth that God loves us all equally. We are each of us living lives behind walls of defence mechanisms so thick and deep that we can’t let anyone closer than an arms-length because we are convinced that the result would be rejection and isolation.

When I read what the Bible has to say on the subject of Gods love for us I am amazed that my life isn’t packed full of joy and peace. According to my reading, Jesus did everything that he did on this earth to show Gods love for us and this included dying. I know that there’s nothing new about this, in fact, we’ve known it all our Christian walk but we certainly are not living in this truth. My Bible apparently goes on to say that I now have access to Gods presence…any time I want it. Actually, no, my Bible suggests very strongly that through belief in the actions of Jesus I now live in Gods presence. I don’t really need to ask for access because the curtain/wall has indeed been removed. When God wanted relationship with his created children he didn’t want that relationship to be based on the idea that he is there and we are here and that separation is a central part of it all. He wanted a loving relationship and my understanding of that means that any time I metaphorically reach out my arm I will find him at the other end.

So, if this is the truth then this should be reflected in our relationships with each other and yet we live separated lives, desperately covering our mistakes with false smiles and keeping our distance from each other. I have believed for a long time that the opposite of addiction is connection. If I am living a life that is full of connections with other believers that fulfil me then I will not want to go hide away and get wasted. Why would I want to lose what I have in the way of love and acceptance by using any form of mind-altering substance or behaviour? Why would I want to rely on old-style behaviours that protected me when I was a child but that now only serve to keep me disconnected from those around me? And of course, I am not the only one.

The help, support and encouragement that I, as a delicate, artistically natured, addict/alcoholic type of character feel that I need to flourish and grow in this crazy life is almost completely lacking because those around me haven’t been getting the support etc that they need. And all this because we have fallen foul of the oldest trick in the enemies book of keeping us separated from each other. We seem quicker to act as if our brothers and sisters were keener on pulling us down than on building each other up and we continue that belief system and we act as if we were part of this demonic deception.

My personal defence systems are all based on simple childlike fears. I am afraid that I will be dismissed by those around me that I have put my trust in. I then act on that fear by behaving slightly superior in certain ways that hopefully will gain me some desperately needed respect. My experience shows me that this doesn’t work but my fears are stronger than my capacity to think it all through. Until now. Now that I have been blessed with a new level of grace. Now that I have finally decided that I will not live like that anymore. And yes I am open enough to admit that a certain amount of this lies in the truth that the pain of staying the same has indeed grown stronger than the fear of change, although that is actually claiming that my decision and choices have as much influence as my Gods grace. It is by grace that I move. I do not have the strength involved as and of myself. I am fully reliant on his strength.

I have to keep using whatever tricks work that will keep me returning my thoughts back to God. Whatever helps me to keep my mind on truths. Anything that puts ‘me’ out of the way. I have to try to take my thoughts captive because that is the battleground. I am working harder than ever on renewing my mind and for me, that means putting as little worldly rubbish into it as possible. I have lived for long enough with this silly little balance of reaching into God and then wallowing in the filthy dirt of worldly entertainment. I need to be one that says enough of this.

I need to be one that says I will live as if those around me do not have the ability to reject me because my God loves me and that is enough for me.

I will be one that says I am going to act as if.

As if we all love each other and will support each other, bless each other, cheer on each other and live like brothers and sisters.

I will try to continue moving on in my Gods grace because it is good enough for me.

I will live as if my brothers and sisters already live like this and maybe we will learn to do so.

Because we need to show those that do not know Gods love just how fantastic it is and at the moment we aren’t.

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Posted by on Jul 13, 2020 in God, jesus, Love


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So where we at ?

I’ve spent my adult life in and out of English churches. I got prayed into the kingdom by the women of the Lydia movement but I was already broken. As time passed I began to see certain patterns and noticed what the taboo subjects were. It has taken until this point in my life to really get a grip on the basic facts that God loves each and every one of the broken people in this world (funny that, I’m not the only one), that our best resource in the world is each other (accountability etc) and that the present model of the physical representation of the word church is more broken than its occupants.

There is absolutely no way that anyone can read the New testament and decide that what’s happening in English churches is a good representation. If within any group of believers, there are taboo subjects then there will problems. Those that publically gather together are Ambassadors and if they can actually close their minds to the subjects that matter in this broken world then they will never reach the lost. If after finding the occasional lost sheep they continue to ignore the fact that their church is already full of mainly broken people that need discipling not just seats to sit in and small groups to be slowly put back together in not to hide in afraid that they might be called out for being a weak crazy fake any second.

God gave eve to adam to give him company and support etc. We need each other. From the start of the Book it sets up a family scenario. We need each other. We get caught up in our understanding of the word family and lose its width, depth, height and length. We need each other. The book also tells us that we actually are blimming useless. We need each other. For fucks sake WE NEED EACH OTHER.

Unfortunately, there are too many men that are so broken that when they are offered unconditional love they can’t just accept it without adding at least a million rules. The women are more likely to accept this love because they have the closer relationship with their mother and any children they might have. The mother child relationship is possibly the closest to unconditional love in this world. The fathers can have as close a relationship but not many are taught how to achieve this and jealousy kicks in real hard when they have to wait for their turn or do gooey things.

In my humble opinion we need to go back to family groups. But these groups need to live with each other or as near as damn possible. These groups are the midweek groups. They need diversity of age and open minds. Above all else, they need to concentrate on actually getting to know each other. Which is why they need to stay fairly small. Within these groups, the concept of freedom from the past can be realised and understanding of the truth of God’s unconditional love will grow but this often takes much talking, praying and love. It is hard to do much of this if contact is less than regular. Everyone needs to be heard and the emphasis needs to be love. Within this framework, people can get right-sized about what is happening in the Spiritual world because this is where reality occurs.

The world is best reached through relationship. We all want to be loved. A small group of people moving in their community with a realised knowledge that they are loved by the creator of everything will soon make relationships with the lost broken people. When people are confident that they are truly chosen as ambassadors in the world they do great things. What happens next is the start of dreams.


Posted by on Aug 24, 2019 in Uncategorized


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Faith in the painful moments

I am in a particularly interesting place in my life right now. I feel closer to God than I ever have but I’m aware of a lot of unresolved pain in my heart. On good days when I feel alive and full of hope, I am having some awesome times worshipping and connecting with my loving God. And yet . . .I am also experiencing times when my heart is so heavy it just seems that it can’t be healed. During some of these times, I am aware that a lot of what I am experiencing is centred around my God-given gift of empathy. I can feel some of His heartbreak over many of the injustices of this world as well as levels of pain concerning individuals that I know. At other times what I am feeling seems to be a lot more personal, a kind of catch-me-up of the pain filled experiences of my life that I have in former times chosen to disregard.

I have previously tried to describe this new period of connecting with God through praise and worship and although my ability to put these things down in words seems weak in comparison with the joy I feel, it is all I can manage. I’m not the kind of person that finds that time loses meaning when in Gods presence or any of the other varied and exciting descriptions of connecting with God that I’ve heard from others. For me, it is still a time of mentally pushing myself to keep reconnecting with Him when my mind strays yet again and then repeatedly congratulating myself that I am voluntarily giving my time to Him because I actually want to show Him that I love Him. During these times and those other times during my days when I feel His presence, I am finding out what it means to be happy.

And then there are the times that I am in touch with my empathetic side. As I’ve mentioned these times are where I am feeling the pain of other people known to me. I have had numerous times of begging God to be merciful and give grace to people that I know are going through painful times of their own. These times really hurt and are incredibly hard to go through but as soon as they are done I can pick myself up and get on with whatever I need to do next. The times that I am feeling His heartbreak over our injustices are deeper and stronger though. I often find myself needing to spew out unspoken words and include pantomime acts of rage. They tend to hang around afterwards like smoke from a distinctly bad smelling fire. These times mainly occur during time I have set apart to spend with God.

The times that I am feeling my own ‘postponed’ pain are the hardest to deal with. These are times of darkness. Times of tears. Not lots of tears, even though I can feel them dammed up in my head ready to break through in a flood. But times of mood controlling sadness. Times when I can only occasionally choose to break through and connect with God. A big part of the problem is the confusion that comes with the feelings. It feels that if I could put my finger on what it is that is causing the pain then it would be so much easier to bear but that’s not going to happen because I am consumed by the pain and confusion. Experience is starting to step in now though and after a while, I am at least able to just let go, let God and accept that it is happening. Sometimes the confusion seems harder to bear than the pain itself.

The overriding thing that helps me keep moving forward is my growing faith. I am in a relationship with a loving God that has a plan for my life which includes a future where there is so much love that I will be able to fully understand that elusive word peace. It is the hope that carries me through even the worst of these times. I know that all will be well with my soul.


Posted by on Feb 5, 2019 in Love


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