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A Day Trip to Guilt or A Guilt Trip Today

So, I set my face to the north and walked as far as I could go

I had a mini awakening as I trampled through the snow

I had trekked past the north pole and started heading south

Cos you can only go north as far as them physics will allow

So, I went down to the equator to march around to the west

Well, there’s a protocol that kicks in, ha, yeah, who’d have guessed

Cos you can follow the sun’s path for forever and a day

And you’ll never come to a place where the west will be

Now as this is Christian I better fetch you a Bible quote

So, I’ll read out some words our friend King David wrote

He said “As far as the east is from the west

So far does He remove our transgressions from us

And I think this is a lesson for us all to learn

Or choose to ignore if you’d prefer a burn

Cos these here are some words on the subject of guilt

That breaks many hearts and distracts countless wills

It don’t need to twist us, that sure weren’t the plan

But we’ve got it all mixed up, well we are just man

The plan was for us to bring it to the foot of the cross

And just plain leave it there, turn a negative to a plus

Now as I depend on Jesus to wash away my sin

I let go of the power of guilt cos it’s so controlling

When I take a minor tumble and graze my spiritual knees

I’m meant to own it to Jesus but not let it own me

And there’s one thing about which I’m absolutely sure

I don’t spend the next few days bringing it back to His door

I leave it there the first time and trust that it’s forgiven

And get on with my life with his peace that’s been given

I’m moving away from guilt that tries to tell me I’m no good

And trusting that love letter written in blood on a cross of wood

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Posted by on Apr 2, 2022 in Uncategorized

 

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For His yoke is easy

Jesus tells us that his yoke is easy and his burden is light and yet we seem very keen to pass on a heavy yoke to those around us. We all have troubles accepting the free gift of his love and some of us fall into legalism (living under man-made rules) as a way of coping with our desire to earn our way into his favour. I spent most of my life failing to live under the host of man-made rules I was given by well-meaning believers around me. As I repeatedly failed to be a ‘good Christian’ by following these rules I picked up masses of guilt and slowly found myself sinking under it. Although the churches I attended over the years told me a lot about discipleship I failed to find anyone willing and able to disciple me. It appeared that they were lost in their own versions of guilt and fear.

I was told to read my Bible regularly, ideally daily, but I wasn’t told how to differentiate between the different styles of writing to be found within it. I didn’t have someone to explain that it wasn’t meant to be just read on its own in the present age without some direction. So I slogged my way through it and got lost. Was the song of songs meant to be so utterly confusing and how did it connect with how Paul suggested that I live my daily walk? When I was going through suffering why didn’t the book of Job help? I had so many questions about it all but no one to ask because the guilt I was feeling made me feel stupid for not somehow naturally understanding it all.

I had similar issues with prayer. Oh my days, what was going on here! The people around me were using special language whenever they prayed in public almost like the special voice we all use when on the phone to anyone official. They bowed their heads and clasped their hands as if afraid that God would only accept prayer that was squeezed out of penitent hearts and presented in a predetermined manner. I could only copy these examples and yet again try to deal with the guilt I felt whenever I forgot to end my prayers in the prescribed terminology. And that’s ignoring the weight I lived under for not asking His blessing over every bite of food I consumed.

Just 2 of the areas of my Christian walk that I knew I was getting wrong but didn’t a/ realise that God wasn’t the one making the rules and b/ know how to balance all this with a personality that flipped in and out of passion and peacefulness, weakness and strength, joy and sadness etc. And so most of my life has been walked under a cloud of guilt and shame.

But I believe that God has been slowly guiding me into an easier way with a lighter burden. It has been a growing realisation based on the simple truth that if he loves me as much as it is suggested that he does then it can’t come with strings attached. His wonderful love will only sit right with me if I can’t do anything to either improve it or lose it. Which is kinda my understanding of unconditional. With that love, I can not help but want to serve. Not because I have to but because I want to. As I grow into this relationship with my creator I will rely on my feelings that overall assure me that I am on the right track. My peace of mind is good enough for me, having lived with so little of it for so long.

 
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Posted by on Aug 25, 2021 in Uncategorized

 

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Redacting the Bible

As I search for a deeper walk with my God, I am finding myself tempted to enter the crazy land of ‘foolish disputes, genealogies, contentions, and strivings about the law’. I am, in fact, striving to stay away from such but others around me are falling headlong into these with a relish that entices me. As I steer myself past the conversations about the ‘Book of Enoch’ and the arguments concerning ‘the lost ten tribes of Israel’ I am surprised by what seem to be very sensible, upright and well-educated people that are professing to be in possession of truths that only the wisest of believers can understand. One of the things that all these teachings hold in common is the need to redact certain segments of the Bible in order to present their preferred revised version of the truth.

I am using the terms ‘redact’ and ‘redacting’ here to mean the wholesale blanking out of the parts of the Bible that either disagrees with their ‘new’ truth or has to go because their ‘new’ truth means that it is also shown to be not relevant to those ‘in the know’.

One of the latest ideas that I have come into contact with is that the ‘Lord’s Prayer’ is, in fact, old covenant and therefore actually dangerous for those of us living in the new covenant. The dangers seem to be the way that this prayer is holding us in old outdated viewpoints. These ‘new truths’ centre around the fact that everything before the death of our saviour is by definition ‘old covenant’. It is only after His death that the new covenant started and therefore anything written before this, it would appear, is not for us. It is by the death of Jesus that sin was defeated, our salvation becomes available and Gods kingdom shall be accessible and so we need to be wary of any writing that does not take this into account.

Whilst, on the one hand, I can see a certain truth in this teaching, unfortunately, I can also see that this means that I will now need to redact most if not all of the four gospels. If the ‘Lord’s Prayer’ is only written for those that were around before Jesus went to the cross then surely everything written in the gospels also comes under that same description. If the ‘Lord’s Prayer’ involves truths that hold us in dangerous outdated viewpoints then all of his teachings have to fall into that description. I really can not be bothered to pick out a few particular passages and attempt to show how these hold truths that are universal and relevant to us all, please just accept the truth that I know that all of Jesus’ teachings are and I can not be picking apart this prayer to show the dangerous elements or even the relevant truths

I have been told on a number of occasions that the Bible has at least 365 verses that tell us to not fear and therefore one for every day of the year. I have no problem believing that my God would want me to really take on board the truth that I should not be living in fear but I am yet to be persuaded that He would actually do something as trite as this. I am also convinced that He knew what He was doing when He guided certain of His children to write the books of the Bible. So if anyone tells me that certain parts of His Holy word are not relevant or even worse are actually dangerous for new covenant believers then you can be sure that the hackles on the back of my neck have not only risen but are standing as firm as the best ever ‘Mohican’ hairstyle. No, no and thrice no.

 
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Posted by on Jun 7, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

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Cos I want more !!

Along with an overall feeling of being a second-rate Christian for most of my life came an issue with spending time with God. If I’m ‘not good enough’, then surely I am going to have to work that little bit harder to gain His approval and have any chance of entering His presence. This has rung true in my quiet-time throughout my walk until I started to see that I was living under a lie from the enemy. My time alone with God was a chore that could only work with a specific man-made pattern and order. It came with rules and requirements which needed to be completed or any time already spent was almost considered lost and worthless. Formality was the order of the day and words like fun and joy were not welcome. I didn’t want to do it but I kinda knew that I had to.

As I may have mentioned once or twice I am on a journey to a place of accepting that God loves me just as much as He loves you and everyone else. That there is no such thing as a second-rate Christian. That this is all a lie concocted by the enemy to keep us all separated from each other and stuck in our own pits of guilt and shame. My journey seems to be taking a lot longer than I had hoped but it is what it is and maybe by continually returning to this subject in my writing I can help my own journey and help others at the same time. I am becoming convinced that a lot of truths in both the Christian world and the recovery world (kinda the same thing if you ask me) just need a lot of repetition to sink in and become habitual ways of thinking and acting.

An image jumps into my mind at this point, again I think I might have written about it before. In this picture, I see four fairground labourers each stood at the four points of the compass and each using sledgehammers in perfect order one after the other to drive a massive tent post into the ground. Whilst there is an undeniable beauty to be seen in this piece of action there is also a truth to be taken from it. I have a tendency to take it for granted that once I have come across a new piece of information a couple of times then I will know it and put it into action. In the terms of the image, this is like approaching the tent post with a toffee hammer and giving it a couple of half-hearted taps. I am learning that I need to return time and time again to the tent post and smash the living daylights out of it. This is what I am now doing with this new understanding of just how fricking much my God loves me and what that means for me and my abilities.

As I am growing into this truth my quiet time with God is blossoming and becoming something that I look forward to each day and also something that carries its own fluidity. If needs be I can now stop and restart it, I follow a pattern that is so simple it shocks my sensibilities and if I miss anything out then that was what happened and not something to berate myself about. A big part of this change centres around worship. This was an area that I found hard previously but is so much easier now that I know that God loves it when I set apart time to get to know Him and spend time with Him. It is also much easier now that I am using music that suits my preferred style and that I can sing along with easily. I now find myself wanting more time to worship and am freely and comfortably praying in tongues during this time.

The more that I spend time with God the easier it is to do so and the more I accept the truth that I am loved by God just as I am the easier it is to live in that truth.

Cos I want more !!

More of God in my daily.

And more of the peace and joy that comes with it.

 
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Posted by on Jul 30, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

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Drip fed !

When I attended my first 12 step meeting I found that I felt at home for the first time in my life. I was sat with a bunch of guys that had all been there, seen that, done that, got the T-shirt and out of a desperate need to not go back had joined up to a ‘spiritual’ programme even though most of them were originally dead scared of anything that took God from the bookshelf and put Him into real life. But that wasn’t why I felt at home. I felt at home because they were all talking about the insane ways that I thought and felt and they were talking about those things happening to themselves. At last I was not the only person that lived with this crazy mind and emotional behaviour.

One of my immediate assumptions was that these guys must have a living relationship with God like I do. It just seemed the only way that it could be. They were talking about finding freedom from addictive behaviours and learning to enjoy life on life’s terms and I could only imagine that being a possibility when walking hand in hand with Jesus. It soon became apparent that there were only a few that had taken the ‘higher power’ concept much further than being able to use the ‘God’ word without breaking into a sweat and praying for His help in staying clean and sober. Generally they had a far better grasp of the ‘spiritual’ principles of the programme than of the God that had originated them.

And so it didn’t take me too long to realise that whilst I felt at home in the meetings and soon found myself able to ‘share’ in a way that was not only acceptable but actually encouraged, I was still quite on the far edge outside of the meetings. They didn’t ‘get’ God and therefore I didn’t ‘get’ them. I had come to a ‘hospital’ for the sick minded addict and found myself on a drip feed that would help me stay away from the terrors of the most life threatening addictions I lived with but was not going to cure my problem. As I pushed myself to ‘work the steps’ I was finding a slow growth in understanding who I was and why I did the things I did but without a cure to the underlying problem this would not and could not change me long term as I later found.

The problem was very simple and yet so hard to find an answer to. I wanted to feel that I was loved. When I was lucid and coherent of mind, I was very aware that God loved me and would always do so with an unconditional love that I could never find from any other source. But somehow this wasn’t enough. It was all very well knowing it but I wanted more, I wanted to feel loved on a regular and reliable basis. I hadn’t got that as a kid and hadn’t been taught that the source of love was God and even though I had accepted Jesus into my life at an early age I was already looking for love in the world. I was searching for love from people rather than from God even when underneath it all I knew that this would not work.

A big part of the problem has to be centred on my desire to feel loved rather then just relying on the fact that I am loved and I feel that this is rooted in my childhood. I didn’t grow up feeling assured of my parents love and wasn’t taught about God at home so that when I did get to Church and began to learn the truth I was already running in the wrong direction and unfortunately wasn’t guided with love back to the true source.

I’m kinda getting that message now although it’s taken me on a long tumultuous journey.

But I wouldn’t change that because I wouldn’t be me if I did.

 
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Posted by on Apr 1, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Making rules

I read the news today ( oh boy, sic ) and was ready to write something to someone in a vain effort to express my dissatisfaction with certain peoples views. The article in question concerned a ‘celebrity’ who had been involved in a ‘fracas’ and had subsequently been suspended from their position. My feelings were stirred by the support shown for this particular person although when I examined my feelings I became aware that the support was not the problem. The problem was more that I had put this person into a chosen pigeonhole and was reacting according to how I had decided the relative worthiness of this person should be.

When growing up I had thought that I had accepted the ideology of the Punk movement which had put forward the idea that if you wanted to do something it shouldn’t matter who you were or what skills you had, you should be able to just go for it. As I grew in my faith and knowledge of Jesus and His teachings I was also taking on board the spiritual truth that we are all equal and that He loves us all equally. I was also learning the truth from experience that as you judge someone else so you will start to believe that everyone else is judging you.

And yet somehow I still find myself putting people into prearranged pigeonholes. I have a long list of behaviour characteristics and looks and styles that I slot people into, usually even before I have managed to find out what they might actually be like. If they act a certain way then they must be in this slot or if they wear certain clothes they must be this type of a person. I’ve got it all sorted out and logged within a twinkle of the eye.

I find a security within the whole procedure although whenever I think it through I can see that there is immature defence mechanism at work alongside a useful adult tool. I feel that it is a good thing to assess people and categorise them in the correct manner, it is when this is misused that problems occur and I hold my hand up to the fact that I misuse this in an immature way. Especially when it comes to the physical looks of a person, something that should mainly be directed at someone that I am attracted to with the aim of a romantic relationship and not everyone that I meet or even just see in the street.

In my own way I am making rules for people and then becoming judge and jury by deciding who are the rule breakers. Which is a problem that I believe we all have. We all have a long convoluted list of rules that we live by, morals and standards, and we then put that list of rules onto most other people around us. If they seem to be fitting our rules then they are Ok and safe to be vulnerable with but if not then batten down the hatches and let’s aim our big guns their way just in case we might need them.

My understanding of the new testament tells me that Jesus made a lot of suggestions about how we could maintain a healthy, loving relationship with God but only really laid down 2 rules for life. The first was to love God and the second was to love our fellow man, everyone else. If we manage to stick to those 2 rules we can enjoy a life full of love, but if we continue making rules for everyone and ourselves to live by then we will almost by definition be dividing the world into rule makers and rule breakers and it becomes harder to love the rule breakers after they have broken our chosen rules.

 
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Posted by on Mar 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The Yeldall Auto

Having spent some considerable time in the rooms of the 12 step programme I have listened to many, many ‘shares’ and have shared my own story quite a few times so I was ready for the Yeldall Auto and did not find the preparation too much of a problem. The Yeldall Auto is a required part of the programme in which each resident is given the task of presenting their ‘life story’ in verbal form to their peers and chosen staff. The brief contains the requirements of :- approximately 2,500 words, to contain thoughts and feelings, to describe childhood, first use of drugs/alcohol, teenage years, enjoyable and positive characteristics of drug/alcohol use, negative examples of drug/alcohol use, adult life, impact of drug/alcohol use on those around us and examples of unmanageability.

As I say, with my experience of sharing in 12 step meetings, I was prepared for this and took the task in my stride until the actual verbal presentation. When it came to my turn, though, I found it oh so much harder than any time I had shared my story previously. There was a new level of reality that I was not prepared for. I found that I couldn’t disconnect in the way that I used to. It was me telling my story as me. The actual story of how I felt through pain, failure and rejection. As such, the highs and lows of my life all wrapped together and spoken out whilst sitting at the head spot of a boardroom with my peers watching every move.

It was only 3 weeks after arriving at Yeldall Manor and so I wasn’t telling my story to a bunch of guys that I had spent months with and gotten to know as good friends but somehow that made it worse. Although the overpowering need to get it right and ensure my place on the programme had a certain amount to do with the pressure it was mainly the knowledge that I wasn’t playing any sort of a game here. That had stopped a few months before when my head had got locked on the idea of taking my own life as a way of stopping the perceived pain and loneliness that I felt I had lived with for far too long.

My story held very little that the staff and those residents with experience of sharing life stories had not heard before. It had the originality and the authenticity of being my very own story but overall it was nothing new. Many before me had told stories involving abortion, drug smuggling, suicide attempts, police cells, divorce and of course that insane inability to stop using even when every thing was falling apart around us. But somehow and for some reason it was all becoming very real for me. I couldn’t just separate myself from my story. Even now I find it quite easy at times to separate myself as if it all happened to some one else because although I was there when it happened I wasn’t all there. I couldn’t be. It was too much and my loving God had to take hold of me and protect me from the reality.

But in the telling of my story on that day I was in part explaining how I had paid the price of the seat I was sat in. I was telling those present the story of my inability to grasp the truth that I was loved absolutely and unconditionally by my God, the creator of the universe, and how I had sought out a weaker version of that love from any one that would offer it to me even when those people were just in the imagining of my mind. And how the spiritual sickness of my soul had brought on a need to use drugs and alcohol to try to cover the failing of my search for real love.

I am finding that knowledge of God’s wonderful love easier to grasp nowadays although it is still a battle, but I have a better knowledge of my worth thanks to the Yeldall Manor Programme and the staff there. And as I keep working on myself and my twisted world view I can only expect to get stronger and stronger as I put into practise the 2 rules that Jesus gave us, number 1 to love God and number 2 to love those around us. As I practise expressing love in my life I can only grow stronger in my understanding of His love for me. And that’s a circle of love that I can believe in with all my heart.

 
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Posted by on Mar 10, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Never enough

One month ago I left the sweet bubble that is Yeldall Manor, my ‘home’ for nearly a year, and started my new life here on the rough and ready streets of Reading. It took me quite a while to get my belongings sorted, get my bearings and begin to find a pattern for my week to follow. I thought I was being patient with myself and not rushing the job. I knew it was a massive change and could feel the fear of starting again in a new town with no friendships of longer duration than a year. And so I tried to take my time and go easy on myself.

Until last Monday when I had a whole day to myself. I had no 12 step meeting to attend, no bible based recovery group to be involved with, no hospital appointments and no arrangements for sharing a coffee and a chat. I had a planned day off. A pre-organised rest from doing and a chance to kick back and chill. I had some money in my pocket and a few items on my need list to get but other than that I was free. I sauntered into town centre, grabbed a coffee and most of the things on my list and headed home to enjoy doing very little, ideally in front of my new favourite T.V. series.

All good and dandy for most of the evening but I could feel the pressure increasing as the evening lengthened. The peace I was looking for was eluding me again. I couldn’t quite settle and relax. There was something missing and with my usual self-defeating analysis I could see yet again where I was to blame for not doing enough. How could I expect to achieve a level of serenity when I was taking so long to get going. I hadn’t found a good sponsor to take me through the steps. I was not picking up my pencil and losing myself in my drawings. I hadn’t even started reading from Bible explorer when I was having my coffee and a fag. I was in all probability actually moving backwards.

Of course I wasn’t able to think it through and realise that only hours before I was quite happy to have a day off, or think about the fact that I had just got out of rehab and was/am very fragile and definitely not ready to take on a sprint to the finish line. All that kind of reasoning had taken a back seat to the jibber jabber of my addict mind and it’s desire to push me beyond my limits and lead me back to a place of self-doubt and fear. My thinking had slid back into the ‘not good enough’ sphere of my old thought patterns. I was trying to take off the perfect white coat that Jesus had placed over my shoulders and run this race wearing my own efforts as a uniform.

And so I snapped out of it and got myself back to putting God first and looking only to the cross for my salvation . . . well no, that’s just the whole point. I am not able to do that all on my own. I can’t but with Him I can. I was floundering and spinning downwards in my thinking but He helped me to redirect my thinking and re-opened my eyes to His many blessings. The security of a safe place to live, the very long list of people willing to support me through my faltering first steps, the finances to sort my wardrobe, the time needed to get comfortable, oh how the list goes on. With a little help I started to see that I was/am under a lot of pressure. But I am not on my own and I don’t have to walk by myself.

I have a relationship with the creator of the universe who chose me and chooses to hold my hand whilst I journey on this mortal coil. With God by my side I can aim for the moon because if I miss I know that I will land in the stars and that seems pretty fantastic to me.

 
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Posted by on Feb 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Yeldall Manor 2

With just under a year spent living almost entirely in the grounds of Yeldall Manor I’m guessing that I might be returning to this subject a few times to write about some of my experiences. If it hadn’t made a lasting impact on me then I would have had to have been looking in the wrong direction. It turned my life around, put it back on track and gave it both a recharge and turbo boost. As I’ve already said on this site I was mentally and emotionally on my knees when I walked through the doors.

Once I knew, back in January 2014, that I was being fast-tracked into rehab I knew that, to a degree, I had to sit back and allow my God to bring about His plan in my life. It was out of my hands and other than turn up for appointments at the agency that were organising my funding and attend group sessions at the alcohol action charity that works in my previous area my input was incredibly limited.

This left me with a lot of time to kill and, by this point, very few friends or acquaintances to kill it with. Oh yeah . . . and what to me at the time was an overpowering desire to be stoned and drunk as much as was physically possible. Considering that this was only just over a fortnight after I had tried to overdose my way out of the life that I had been hating, I wasn’t in much of a position to fight any good, bad or downright ugly desires. To go with the flow was an idea that somewhat amused me or perhaps I should say an idea that I had no choice about.

I still knew that I was assured of my salvation based on my trust in Jesus but I could not do too much about it. Even when Elell Ministries phoned me and offered me the opportunity of a weekend healing retreat at the end of the month I knew that I would take some cannabis with me and although I managed to persuade myself that I would only smoke it in the evenings, there was very little time there that I was not ‘under the influence’. I was shot through and although excited about God stepping in and bringing about the type of healing that only He could orchestrate, I was also incredibly scared of both what He might do and what He might not do.

The rest of the time spent waiting for the start of my stay at Yeldall was lived in a blur of the getting and using of the drink and drugs that I felt that I needed to be able to get through. Money was getting shorter and shorter and my ability to do anything about that was almost non-existent. My only contribution was to take advantage of the ‘buy-one-get-one-free’ deal I held with Mr Waitrose, or in other words my shop-lifting was based on a buy-one-get-one-free plan that was the only way I felt safe enough to do the shop-lifting I required. I ‘needed’ the drink and only felt ‘safe’ stealing it when I was actually paying for some. And that was just a fraction of how screwed-up my thinking was at this point.

And so when I eventually presented myself at Yeldall I was ready for the loving, caring environment that Yeldall is. I was ready to allow God to work His healing through the combined work of the staff there. Not that I was capable of stopping my low level attempts at fighting my own corner and standing, somewhat shakily, on my own two feet but He knew that and so did the staff. They had seen it all before and there was very little I could possibly do that they would be surprised at. And even though I presented as an aloof, cold jumble of a man they loved me just the same. In a way that I couldn’t grasp in the first few months, they loved me back to health with a love straight from the heart of God.

 
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Posted by on Feb 20, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The 5 second head-spin

The 5 second head-spin that can take me by surprise and get me running for shelter slipped in again today. In previous times before I had any awareness and acceptance of my addict/alcoholic behavioural patterns it could steal time from me faster than I could possibly keep up. One minute I’d be strolling along feeling pretty good and then it’d strike from nowhere and I’d have no option but to run and hide from myself and the world. Depending on circumstances around me I could lose hours or days in a funk so dark and deep that I’d get blinded by the daylight when I eventually resurfaced. I had no idea or understanding of what was happening, all I knew was a mixture of shame and self-hatred that would lead me to act like a vampire in my desperate desire to shun the light and seek a darkness that would engulf me and provide the sense of security that I yearned for.

I wasn’t caught today, although even now sometimes I can be, but it was a long half hour before I had shaken off the racing, itchy feeling that I should be heading for home and the safety of isolation. As time passed the feeling subsided but all the way through I was fighting the urge, not in any way an urge to pick up a drink or drug but an urge to scream and run. Cos that’s the wish although, as with so many things, the wish is in complete opposition to the main desire to disappear as quietly as possible. I’m not sure how that works exactly but at one and the same time I want to scream and not be noticed. I want to scream and then be held in the safest hug ever.

But as I said I wasn’t caught today, today was different. Today, or should I say ” just for today “, I have a clearer understanding of my position in Christ and a far better grasp of what makes me tick, especially when the tick happens to be a tock. Today I am far more likely to look in the direction of the cross and remember the love of the one that gave His life for me. Today I am far more likely to look with-in and see that although there are waves of emotion crashing against my inner shoreline, they are not going to kill me because I have a programme.

It’s only recently that I’ve begun to grasp that last bit. For years I could not for the life of me wrap my head around that ‘programme’ word. It was too big for me. Now though I choose to wrap all the understanding I have of what I am daily trying to do to grow and be the best me that I can be in that word. And somehow that’s working for me. Simple programme for a complicated me.

So, yeah, today I kept looking in the direction of my friend Jesus and His love for me while dissecting some of what was happening for me.

As I sat in Macdonalds, having fought the feeling that I couldn’t possibly go in and behave normally like everyone else, I realised that that was at least half of the problem. How could I do something as simple as order some lunch and sit and eat it. I mean, come on guys, everyone would be noticing me and discussing, or at least thinking, how I was looking and how I was on my own and every-bloody-thing I did. Well that’s what my head was spinning around and repeating to me.

I was being judged by the rule I judged with. And, yes, still do judge at times. I was convinced that I was so important that everyone would have enough spare time to contemplate me and my actions. And after they had taken on board the incredibly small amount of information available they would come individually to the same conclusion that I ‘wasn’t all that’. That in some important way or other I was worthy of nothing less than derision. Cos that’s part of what I used to do. That’s part of an out-dated self-defence mechanism that the assurance of love and a smidgen of maturity would have dropped from my repartee many years ago but which I keep active because I am not yet quite fully trusting my Jesus for all the love I need.

Not quite yet but it’s a journey I’m on and a destination I will arrive at in due time.

 
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Posted by on Feb 17, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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