Category Archives: jesus

As if . . .

I’ve been away from this platform for a long time while I have been fermenting some thoughts and experiencing a new level of grace. Another factor has been my residence at Teen Challenges Willoughby House, in sunny Nottinghamshire. This has been a new experience for me in as much as I have been living on the site of a rehab but have not been a resident of the rehab and instead have been at the Teen Challenge Leadership Academy. It was while here that I undertook a step further forward in my experience and understanding of grace and have had a lot of my old understandings of various aspects of the Christian faith turned upside down. Trust me I could, and hopefully will, write pages about these changes but for now, I want to concentrate on one specific area.

I have been thinking a lot about what seems to me to be the single biggest problem with the church of believers in the western world. That problem is our inability to connect even halfway with the truth that God loves us. The more I think about it the more I am convinced that we are actually living lives that are disconnected from each other based on the fact that we don’t trust each other and we don’t trust each other because we are not connected with the truth that God loves us all equally. We are each of us living lives behind walls of defence mechanisms so thick and deep that we can’t let anyone closer than an arms-length because we are convinced that the result would be rejection and isolation.

When I read what the Bible has to say on the subject of Gods love for us I am amazed that my life isn’t packed full of joy and peace. According to my reading, Jesus did everything that he did on this earth to show Gods love for us and this included dying. I know that there’s nothing new about this, in fact, we’ve known it all our Christian walk but we certainly are not living in this truth. My Bible apparently goes on to say that I now have access to Gods presence…any time I want it. Actually, no, my Bible suggests very strongly that through belief in the actions of Jesus I now live in Gods presence. I don’t really need to ask for access because the curtain/wall has indeed been removed. When God wanted relationship with his created children he didn’t want that relationship to be based on the idea that he is there and we are here and that separation is a central part of it all. He wanted a loving relationship and my understanding of that means that any time I metaphorically reach out my arm I will find him at the other end.

So, if this is the truth then this should be reflected in our relationships with each other and yet we live separated lives, desperately covering our mistakes with false smiles and keeping our distance from each other. I have believed for a long time that the opposite of addiction is connection. If I am living a life that is full of connections with other believers that fulfil me then I will not want to go hide away and get wasted. Why would I want to lose what I have in the way of love and acceptance by using any form of mind-altering substance or behaviour? Why would I want to rely on old-style behaviours that protected me when I was a child but that now only serve to keep me disconnected from those around me? And of course, I am not the only one.

The help, support and encouragement that I, as a delicate, artistically natured, addict/alcoholic type of character feel that I need to flourish and grow in this crazy life is almost completely lacking because those around me haven’t been getting the support etc that they need. And all this because we have fallen foul of the oldest trick in the enemies book of keeping us separated from each other. We seem quicker to act as if our brothers and sisters were keener on pulling us down than on building each other up and we continue that belief system and we act as if we were part of this demonic deception.

My personal defence systems are all based on simple childlike fears. I am afraid that I will be dismissed by those around me that I have put my trust in. I then act on that fear by behaving slightly superior in certain ways that hopefully will gain me some desperately needed respect. My experience shows me that this doesn’t work but my fears are stronger than my capacity to think it all through. Until now. Now that I have been blessed with a new level of grace. Now that I have finally decided that I will not live like that anymore. And yes I am open enough to admit that a certain amount of this lies in the truth that the pain of staying the same has indeed grown stronger than the fear of change, although that is actually claiming that my decision and choices have as much influence as my Gods grace. It is by grace that I move. I do not have the strength involved as and of myself. I am fully reliant on his strength.

I have to keep using whatever tricks work that will keep me returning my thoughts back to God. Whatever helps me to keep my mind on truths. Anything that puts ‘me’ out of the way. I have to try to take my thoughts captive because that is the battleground. I am working harder than ever on renewing my mind and for me, that means putting as little worldly rubbish into it as possible. I have lived for long enough with this silly little balance of reaching into God and then wallowing in the filthy dirt of worldly entertainment. I need to be one that says enough of this.

I need to be one that says I will live as if those around me do not have the ability to reject me because my God loves me and that is enough for me.

I will be one that says I am going to act as if.

As if we all love each other and will support each other, bless each other, cheer on each other and live like brothers and sisters.

I will try to continue moving on in my Gods grace because it is good enough for me.

I will live as if my brothers and sisters already live like this and maybe we will learn to do so.

Because we need to show those that do not know Gods love just how fantastic it is and at the moment we aren’t.

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Posted by on Jul 13, 2020 in God, jesus, Love


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Incoming !!

As I sat down on Sunday morning a number of random thoughts ran through my mind,as per,and one that particularly resonated was based around the seeming truth that the average assemblage of believers was not at all prepared for the needy people of this land.Having been involved in ‘organised religion’ through the 80s I was hoping that the body of believers in this country might have moved a lot closer to the realization that the average punter walking through the doors today is bringing deep emotional and spiritual problems with them and the others are bringing a whole lot worse.

Through the 80s and early 90s I was blessed to sit down in small group settings with people that could each and everyone spend at least the whole evening talking about their own problems myself included.On the whole I wasn’t hearing about any diagnosed mental health problems that were causing such calamities or drug/alcohol problems,and lets face it the thought of bringing up such an issue as homelessness was bizarre.These things weren’t happening in public.

Yet we now live in an age where those searching for God will more often than not carry at least one of the above through the doors with them.If not it’ll be something easier like sexual abuse or self-harm or . . .

After something in the region of 6,000 + years of man polluting this earth and having experienced the growth in knowledge and abilities of the past 400 years mankind seems to be pretty deeply poisoned by sins aftereffects.I’m sure I remember Paul writing about this somewhere.

I live within the top 10% of riches in this world.I can choose to turn on a tap with running hot/cold water any time I please and with those riches comes complacency.If I choose I can drift into a pattern of ‘looking after number one’.If I can choose then so too can those of a similar spiritual path to mine.Unfortunately if too many of us choose the same option then none of us actually moves forward and none of us will be prepared and able to help the needy that Jesus plans to send through our doors.

If I stop and look at the newcomers today I see people that are so confused by the world and its spinning that they can’t just take on the spiritual truths offered to them and rather than put down their baggage at the foot of the cross they carry it with them.Again myself included.Its gonna take more than explaining and re-explaining the truths to get through cos we’re so out of touch with experiencing and living in love that we baulk at the prospect of it appearing in front of us.

And this whole gospel is based on love.

So I really hope that we can manage to wake up before the deluge hits cos the needy are coming.I know,I’m one of them.I know I’m saved but even now I don’t live as if that is spiritually true and I’m in the company of those that suffer the same disease.

Can’t help but worry that Jesus will turn to me and say “why ? ” . . .cos my feeble response will falter on my lips.

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Posted by on Feb 24, 2012 in jesus, Uncategorized


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times they are a changing

Wow long time no write !!

Was convinced a number of months ago that I was gonna be sending out the occasional blog post based on little bits that I had learnt from !2 step & christian teaching.Was gonna be some fairly wise dispenser of gems.All based on things that I had tried and tested and was therefore putting into practise in my current walk with Jesus.

Oh yeah I was gonna be real and true to myself.

And then my little bit of life hit a snag.Only a small snag mind you.Nothing I couldn’t use my experience on to turn around.Just a tiny blip in my path to freedom and self-respect.

Woops-a-daisy . . . Oh No !!

Fraid not pal.this one took me from sobriety and peace of mind into nights like tonight where the crutch of alcohol was/is a comfort to help me through the pain of living with not only my dreams of the last 8 years shattered on the floor in front of me but also the up hill battle of getting used to living on my lonesome again.

I met ‘her’ the answer to my prayers.A believing sister in Christ.As damaged as I was,needing help and encouragement but walking a similar path to myself.Yip-da-flipping-do-dah this was all I wanted for the twilight years of my life and by Jove ‘she’ came with a ready made family.All my christmases and birthdays wrapped up in one bundle of cuteness.Could it get any better !!

Well no it couldn’t.Cos here I am,alone again.

I get ‘her’ reasons of why we are no longer together but want to explain that they are tiny compared to the reasons why I wanted to leave and move on,but I figured that while God was involved in our lives then my reasons were small fry cos He is bigger and could break through my problems and ‘her’ problems.But no cos when it came down to it ‘she’ wasn’t really there with me.’She’ was actually a closed book and unavailable.

So how blind is ‘love’ ?

Well in this case its so blind that I’ve lost 6 years of sobriety and face the day by day fight to get my life back.And this is written 2 months after the kiss goodbye when I ‘should’ be over it.

Oh and theres more . . .


Posted by on Dec 4, 2011 in 12 step, jesus


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